MADGE'S VANITY FAIR COVER

Here's M's new Vanity Fair cover for those of you that have been living under rocks for the past week. ALMOST there Madge. Time to change the momhair, but everything else looks pretty awesome.

A SAD MODERN PARABLE


A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, the Americans hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion, they advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Sadly, The End.

CARE'S CORNER!

Well, Hello again campers! It's your good friend Care, ready to help out the masses with my god-like wisdom and knack for people stuff. Full speed ahead!

Our first question comes from Cynthia Lee Kabuki, from an undisclosed locale. But considering the last name, I think it's safe to assume that she is from China or Japan or one of those other countries where the small, quick people live. They are all the same to me. Cynthia L-K, the oriental reader, asks:

"Why is Mariah Carey's new album titled E=MC2? Didn't Albert Einstein already title an album that!?!?"

Well Cynthia, I think that this is a really great question. First of all, I'd like to point out that Albert Einstein was NOT a musician, but he actually led an extremely dull and uninformed life as an accountant for the Dutchess of Pooscoopville. He could not have had named an album that he never recorded, now could he!

E=MC2 doesn't mean anything. I don't know what you are talking about.

As for why Mariah named her album E=MC2... I'm not quite sure. It could be because she is a large amazonian trolling whore. It could be the fact that she is aware of people thinkin she is just as dumb as the day is long and wanted to seem smart or something like that. I personally think it is atrocious and evil. Science proves nothing. Why advocate a farse? This heathen whore needs to crawl back to shitville or where ever the hell she is from.

And she can't dance and she's fat and she's a whore a dirty dirty whore.

Lots of hugs,

CARE!

P.S. Today's sweater is called "IRISH MIST OF SPRING RAINS CAN SHINE ZIG SWEATER"

MY CRYSTAL BALL TELLS ME...

... that it's going to be another fun-filled day at work. I'm pooped. I'm looking forward to Friday. Actually, I keep thinking that today is Friday. Alas, big fat sadness every time I glance at my calendar.

Since a majority of my posts have been a bit detatched, I decided to get a bit personal with y'all, have a little chat... A heart-to-heart, if you don't mind.

This weekend I'm going to Philly. This was a total crapshoot and the only reason it is happening is because my roommate can get us a luxury suite at the park hyatt in downtown Philly for free and she wants to use it up as it's her last week there. THANK GOD. That girl and her Hyatt job, let me tell you. I think this is for the best though... she'll be much happier, I presume.

Unfortunately, the thing about Philly is that I just don't care about it. I don't need to see Independence Hall or the Liberty Bell. The ONLY thing I am interested in, is getting an authentic Philly Cheesesteak into my gullet as swiftly as possible. The rest, to me, is cake and champagne in the Hotel and a possible massage.

Scratch the massage... I'm as broke as they come.

So yeah looking forward to that. Some time away from the office and seeing a new city, pretending I'm nouveau-famous when I arrive. I don't visit cities, they visit me. etc etc... should be fine.

Really can not wait to get away from the office...

The other day I was sitting here and trying to work (on my blog and networking) and I couldn't help but listen to the loud assholes that were arguing behind me. The GREAT thing about this is that 2 straight men were arguing whether Madonna or Mariah Carey is the better singer. I remember thinking in that moment "I can't wait to write about this gay shit."

Alas, I don't care enough about it to write extensively about it. Take it from me, it's for the best. Long story short: it ended with me getting really frustrated (because I am a professional and I was trying to produce quality work) and throwing my headphones on, to no avail. I proceeded to call them both crazy fools and walk to the other side of the dept.

I mean come on... comparing Mariah to Madonna is like comparing Ursula the Seawitch to Cruella DeVille. One lives under the sea and manipulates whorish Mermaids into scams so she can eat them, and the other kills puppies and wears them and smokes fancy cigarettes. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Similar in the fact that they both have extreme vices, to the dismay of their respective communities. But different in their approaches. OMG I'm exhausting myself talking about this.

I'm getting hungry, trying to decide what to eat for lunch, kind of looking forward to Pilates today... there are a few reasons for this actually:

1) It makes me feel stronger and happier.
2) I've done cardio all week and I'm staring to feel like a squid or something... like my skin is falling off of my body... need to do some core work.
3) The instructor, a very pleasant woman, sometimes makes these LOUD, GLOTTAL noises that I think are fucking HILARIOUS. She'll be talking us through a movement while she does it along with us, and when it gets to a physically challenging part, all of a sudden, her voice gets really crazy and loud and throaty and insane. It really is one of my favorite parts of the week. I love trying to hold back laughter. It's my favorite feeling in the world.

OK I'm outtie, y'all.

Oh, and BTW, don't forget to send your questions to splutters@gmail.com for Care to answer. She's kind of a spitfire and is ready to go.

CARE'S CORNER!






Well, Hello Everyone! My name is Carol-Anne Sissy Plunk-Tardmeyer, but you are more than welcome to call me "Care"... because, well, that's what I DO!

As I'm sure you're all aware of, tomorrow (March 20th) is the first day of spring! Oh joyous spring! Thank the good lord, because I was gettin real tired of wedging my corn over that troublesome arch in my all-weather boots. I also don't do well with layers and the blistery, blustery, upsie, downsie, bold, cold, cuts-yer-face kinda winter weather requires plenty of those.

I am thrilled to absolute bits and pieces that I get to be a part of this fine internet medium. I am still confused about all this "blog" business. I mean, what does that mean? Topsy-turvy, spin me around I think I'm discombobbled!

Anywho, I would like all of you readers out there to take note, (and I am truly pleased to announce) that I will be the new advice columnist for SPLUTTERS! Kind of like Abigail Van Buren, but without the uncomfortably modern and heathenistic undertones. My word, she can be a bit whorish at times, don't you think? I'm no whore, but I promise to keep as even-steven with my responses as possible. The way I see it, is that if it's OK with the big J.C., it's OK with me.

So.... please send your questions for me, your very own CARE, to splutters@gmail.com. Please put "Question for Care" in the subject line. Who knows, I might choose your question and post the answer on SPLUTTERS!

I'll also be stoppin by, doling out some of my award-winning recipes and also modeling my various sweater creations! Today's is called "Care's Fabulous Chunky Spring Fling Sweater". I hope you like it!

We'll be talkin' real soon kids.


Love,


YCARE!Y

CELEBRITY DISTORTION

CHOLA DAKOTA. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this little weirdo.... TOTALLY CREEPS ME OUT. The above picture is what I experience when I think of Dakota Fanning.

STARNOTES!

Dear Dusty Springfield:

Well, I really do have so much to say to you, but most of it would have to be over a good bottle of Gin, 4 packs of cigarettes, an orgy and the family-size Pepperidge Farm Entertaining Assortment. (Not the 'chocolate' or 'orchard' variety, just the original.)

So I'll just say this: I miss you. I am a little ticked that you didn't write your autobiography before you died, but still... I miss you. Tonight I'm making a tray of yellow cupcakes with pink magnolia frosting and I'm going to eat them all, straight out of the pan, in your honor.

I just need to know if you had a diary or something because I need to read it. I don't know if you understand what kind of position I'm in... we're ALL in. The industry is a mess, Dust, and we need some insight into what made you so intense and campy and major and mysterious. We have lost that fire. Thanks for never flashing your vagina at us. Thanks for making the album 'White Heat' even though no one really ever heard it but me and, like, three other people. Thanks for never letting us into your world before you passed away... actually on second thought, THANKS for not writing that biography as it has let us hold on to the idea of you we all got to enjoy: The slightly creepy, reclusive, irresistible, drunk, druggie, pussy-lovin white woman with soul.

The world could use a little Dusty right now.

Big Soulful Lezzie Love,

PS: You look like a drag queen superhero in the above pic. Loves it.

I'VE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!

Here it is... the origin of the FALL OF BRITNEY. This is when she caught crazy.







I almost can't believe it... but it's just something I have to accept. She just got too close to him and his FAME world. She was in it for a moment, but for a moment was on the same level as him as well...and it's at 3:22 when he places his cursed palm over her uterus. Her innate reaction is to push his hand away but it was just too late. He was already inside her.

(I would also like you to TRY and watch at 4:58 and not die.)

God... she looked so healthy back then, didn't she?

OK. I'm done. I need a drink.

WTF?!

Apparently there is a new "Vodka for Ladies" that was just released in Russia. The vodka was designed to "be sipped with salad after a workout at the gym".

I don't know about you, but the first thing I look forward to after a hard workout, is a salad and a shot of rubbing alcohol. TOTAL REFRESHMENT!

To make the situation even more ridic, Russia is currently having a huge problem with female alcoholism. GREAT IDEA! Women's Vodka. The stuff is also said to leave you with one hell of a hangover (not to mention that the bottles make the shit look like expensive douche.)

...apparently in Russia they also have pink "lady" taxis and women's chocolate. Are you as confused as I am?

STARNOTES!

Dear Sandy Bollocks:



Why are you famous again? Love Potion No. 9? Miss Congeniality 2? Do you have a sex tape or something? I'm so confused. This picture of you is pretty, though.

Warmth and Love:







PS.... did you really fuck Matthew McStinks-a-lot? That could be why you're not getting much work these days. Aside from the fact that his stinky pinky leaves a permanent brown stain and fart smell, he has also been a little more popular than you since the breakup. (and by popular I do mean NAKED). You should try to do something to distance yourself from who you were defined as during that period in your life, so people can have a revitalized idea of who you are in their heads. No, Sand, some weird flashback movie about your husband's killer is not going to do the trick. I think it might be time to pull the girls out... and throw in a sex scene, some crazy talk and a blonde bob wig. That'll get 'em talkin'.

CELEBRITY DISTORTION

SUMO JACK. It works for him.

MADGE and her VADGE

Here is the alleged cover of Madonna's new album 'HARD CANDY' that has been cirulating amidst the blogosphere. I, of course, have to make a few comments...






1. Nice Vagina, Madonna.

2. The background looks oddly fleshlike, even though I think it is just wrinkled up posters with pictures of candy on them, sloppily glued onto some drywall. Still... it makes me uncomfortable. An aged Madge being vaccumed into an abyss of raw pink flesh. It's like the 90's all over again. (Shoots self)

3. We get it. You can kick our asses. Candy. Sweet, addictive... just like Madonna (Circa 1985). Give me something new, PLEASE! (I'm begging you.)

4. I'm not sure if that Arial Rounded MT BOLD font (w/drop shadow) is working. Looks a little slipshod and scotch-taped together to me. Not in the cool way, either. It looks like the end result cover page of a project I would have done in 4th grade. I can see it now...



"I called my hero project Hard Candy because I like Madonna and I like Candy and since I like them both, I wanted to put Candy in the title because I like them both, but I only eat candy. I don't eat Madonna because you can't eat Madonna because she is not Candy. She's a person. Some people eat other people. My Aunt Norma told me about them. She said that they are called Cannibals. My Aunt Norma told me that Madonna is a cannibal."


5. If she closed her cow legs and showed us maybe just a little heel (something maybe just a LITTLE femenine) she would look pretty awesome. I guess I just feel like I've seen this madonna before. It's like 'CONFESSIONS' Madonna, with a WWF belt on ecstacy.

6. All that being said, and aside from the fact that the new single '4 Minutes' is pretty much the dumbest crap I have ever heard, I am looking forward to hearing what the eff she brings to the table with this one. I hope we don't have another 'BEDTIME STORIES' on our hands...

STARNOTES!

Dear Patti Stanger of Bravo's 'THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER':



One of your boobs is flat and sort of square-ish and the other one is round. I Just thought I should let you know.

Much Love,





Oh and PS: You have the biggest head I have ever seen in my entire life. If you pull your hair back, it will make your neck look longer, and thusly your head more proportionate with the rest of your body. It will also make you look more like a woman and less like an NFL quarterback with a bad wig on.

Philanthropy is so exhausting.

WELCOME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED SPLUTTERS!

I figured what better way to ring in going live (I don't know why I keep referring to it as "going live", I suppose there is something about it that makes the whole thing seem more important and official...) than to keep up my yearly tradition of my TOP OF THE POPS collection. So let's get to it.

MICHAEL FAKESCH (DOS-Album)



Basically like a really super cooler-than-you version of Justin Timberlake. Just check out the unfortunately short and low-quality video for his song "SODA" below. Michael, dude, I'll make you a video. This crap is insane. Listen to his song "COMPLICATED" You can find a sample at>

http://www.last.fm/music/Michael+Fakesch/_/Complicated

It's what made me fall in love with his music. Awesome dude.

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ANNIE (untitled upcoming album)

I have been a huge fan of Annie's since her 2005 debut album, for which she received much praise. She has the breathy voice of a nymph and enough pop-sensibility to make that work over the electro-heavy and incidental-filled accompaniment. In 2007, Annie was picked up by Island records and is currently working on her first major label release. Check out the video for "CHEWING GUM" below, or listen to a snippet of her new single "I KNOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND HATES ME", currently streaming on her myspace page>

http://www.myspace.com/anniemusic

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GLASS CANDY (B/E/A/T/B/O/X- album)

About 4 months ago I really got back into Italo disco (something I had been quite obsessed with back in '06) and I started scouring the internet, trying to find some of the old, classic, drippy, drugged out disco glam pop of the days of yore. It seems that I picked a great time to spelunk for said pop bliss, as I uncovered a whole slew of neo-italo disco artists recapturing the feeling of the old Italo Disco tracks, but incorporating fresh production and taking advantage of modern technology. I supposed it was only a matter of time that I stumble upon Portland based band Glass Candy. Between the lead singer's lazy swooning and coke-nosed vibrato, and the producers penchant for finely aged beats and dynamic filters, it's hard NOT to be transported to a boosted out Milan circa 1975 when devouring these tracks. Glass Candy does not have a video worth posting yet so give "ROLLING DOWN THE HILLS" and "BEATIFIC" a try by following the link below. Hot Shit.

http://www.last.fm/music/Glass+Candy/_/Rolling+Down+The+Hills

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ROBYN (Self-Titled US Debut Album)

Robyn was on this list last year. She's back. There is a reason she is back... and it's because she is amazing. Period. This woman is SUCH a pioneer in the industry right now. She is one of the ONLY acts that is self-penned/produced that has had the level of success that she had. She spent the whole of 2007 catering to her European/UK fans, and is now poised to take the US by storm, one fickle listener at a time. I listen to Robyn and I feel like she is to Britney Spears, what Michael Fakesch is to Justin Timberlake. She did a show in NYC recently, which apparently was Mind-bogglingly amazing, and she is re-releasing her last album, all cleaned up, polished and ready for the US. We welcome you with open arms, Robyn. See the video for "WITH EVERY HEARTBEAT" (which was #1 on the UK charts for, like, months) below, or try the KNIFE produced track "WHO'S THAT GIRL".

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ROISIN MURPHY ('Overpowered' Album)

Roisin is no stranger to the dance-pop scene. As the former front woman of Moloko, Roisin had the opportunity to get her sea legs primed for a solo career. Although Moloko did produce some pretty memorable tracks (Bring it Back, Time Is Now, etc) it was inevitable that Ms. Murphy take it to the next level with a solo project. She did just that with 2005's Matthew Herbert-produced RUBY BLUE. Now she's back and bringing us away from the lounges and into the nightclubs with her new album OVERPOWERED. Check out the video below for the title track.

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CALVIN HARRIS ('I Created Disco' Album)

What a cocky son of a bitch. Still, I can't get enough. This shit is like drugs to me. It's so simplistic and a total rip off of like 85 people. I really don't give a fuck. He is just fun. I feel like the industry needs a big fat shot of fun right now. Check out his video for "ACCEPTABLE IN THE 80's" below.

Calvin Harris - Acceptable In The 80's
Uploaded by seidrik

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PRIVATE ('My Secret Lover' Album)



Private is a relatively new band, producing some pretty amazing shit. Think Michael Jackson meets an atari game. It's fucking catchy and kind of hilarious. I will be the first to admit that the lead singer, constantly crooning to women in his songs, is pretty obviously a big mary. I don't really get that whole thing, but the music is cool enough that i don't really care which one of his personal issues he is singing to. It's workin' for me... the lasers, the minimalism, the gayness... all of it. Check out the vid for 'MY SECRET LOVER' below.

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KYLIE (Album - 'X' + B-sides)



Kylie is a fave of mine simply because she always brings a sense of total frivolity to the pop world. Her new album 'X' is shamelessly trendy, total trash, and in moments, nauseatingly bubble gum.... I really just can't get enough. As I am a true fan of hers, I am always on the lookout for new stuff, and to be totally honest, I've found that there are a few B-Sides that didn't make it to the album, that i happen to like more than some of the tracks that did get on it. I'm pretty sure it's time to fire your manager, Terry Blamey, Kylie. Isn't he like 120 years old now? Yeah... probably not equipped with the tempered trend barometer one needs to make a tracklist for the princess of pop's "comeback" album. Regardless of these factors, this album is a current fave. I'm pretty sure that this will get NO airplay in the US, and I am finally getting to a place where I've accepted the fact that Kylie will probably never be HUGE in stateside, like she is the rest of the world over (thanks SJ) but that doesn't mean that I still can't indulge in the yummy goodness that is she, as often as I like. That's the gorgeous thing about the US of fuckin A.... it's a free country. Check out her brand new video for "IN MY ARMS" below.

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KELLEY POLAR ('I Need You to Hold On While the Sky Is Falling' Album)



Super duper art shit. Love it. It's like accessible weird electronic music imported from the 70's or something. I don't even know. Just watch and listen. Sample the video for "CHRYSANTHEMUM" below. Also listen to his song "SEA OF SINE WAVES" off of his album which can be sampled here> http://www.juno.co.uk/products/303207-01.htm.

Loves it.

LEZZ DO DIS. REMIX. SPLUTTERS. 2008. JIGGA.

Hello all you sons of bitches.

I am currently at work whilst I type up this new entry (shhhhh, don't tell my boss)... I am thrilled to bits to be starting up my blog again. It's about damn time! It's been months since my last entry and after some dramz, a few thousand Philly cheesesteaks, a 500 pound weight gain and a total and complete halt of personal investment in society (aka Britney Spears), I'm ready to start it up again.

I'm typing this to you now as a primer of sorts... I'm planning on not only cleaning up the content, but also on giving the ole port bow a little scrub-a-dub; a little face lift and reworking of the look as well. My format is going to change, but I think that it is going to provide smoother usage for the reader and will allow me to make more frequent updates as i see fit so i will not have to cram everything into one daily entry. Better for linking, better for loading, better for searching, all around better bloginess.

I would also very much like input from any readers out there... topics that you'd like me to bitch about, sluts you'd like me to make fun of, movies you'd like me to rip to shreds, etc. I'm really doing this to provide some entertainment for the reader, and because I am just generally bored with things and need to break that down how I do... you know. How I DO. So why not get reader input? Shit. So if you assholes have any ideas, email a bitch at splutters@gmail.com.

By the way, this is also a great way for me to get my crazies out of my headzies. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch. It is like therapy for me and people seem to find my disappointment in and regular abuse of humanity rather amusing.

It's a win win, really.

So let's do dis shit, folks. My blog'll be hitting y'all with a tummy tuck and a fresh shot of the botox, starting this Monday. See you then, suckaz!!