Simple times call for simple measures...
Dear Michael Jackson... I Mean... Britney Spears:
LOOK... I'm not fucking around anymore. Get it together, ok? I've spent WAY too much of my energy trying to defend your retarded ass, saying things like "This is all a publicity stunt, she's smarter than she looks" and "The only thing people like more than seeing a bitch fall off a pedestal, is seeing her subesquent rise back to the top. If Mooriah Scarey can do it, than Britters deffers can too." et al. I can't do this for you anymore... ESPECIALLY when there are hos like Kylie Minogue who are far more interesting to watch than you have ever been, but aren't noticed by the fickle US audience as saleable. I do my homework. I need my fix. I am pop passionate. Madonna is 85 years old and I'm in a terrible position, Britney... a position that's prescence has invoked an emotional cyst to develop on my virginal, idealistic, american popstardom-infused heart. I'm extremely exhausted at the idea of spending $25 more dollars on a Kylie import CD from Virgin Megastore, Ms. Spears. I'm sick of toiling over the idea of spending $1k to fly to the UK to see Sophie Ellis-Bextor in concert just to experience a pretty lady in a daring outfit with a well-formed image, tweeting to simple (non-r&b infused) pop beats and dodging the professional dancers that are placed and moving around her just so to illuminate the unexpected muse that is she. I'm sick of working so hard to fulfill my hearty and wanton desire for bubbly-electronic chunky pop music, while you waste your time popping out piglets, picking up drug habits and gaining 45 lbs. If you're going to gain weight, do it with some class! It's called BRIE and CROISSANTS hun. I mean, CHEETOS? REALLY?
Now I realize that this all may be coming across a bit harsh. I need you to understand that most of my animosity sits in the fact that I am frusterated. I know your potential. Let's see if I can explain it to you so someone like you might understand... It's like you asked me to leave the bar with you, only to find out that when we got back to your place you'd only let me put the tip in for 5 seconds. Get it now? Good. On to the intervention.
Since I realize I am basically tearing you to bits, I thought it would only be fair of me to provide some tools for you to use during the controversial scaling of the aforementioned pedestal:
1. Don't read US Weekly, Life & Style, OK!, People, Enquiror, Star, etc. Don't watch E!News, Extra, ET, The Soup, The View, Good Morning Live. Don't listen to ANY radio station that has ANY sort of association with Ryan Seacrest.
2. GET A PERSONAL STYLIST. (If you do this you can skip #3 and #4.)
3. Remove all of these articles from your head: Blonde Extentions, Brunette Extentions, Black Extentions, Wigs, Bandannas, Scarves, Scrunchies, Barrettes, Ken Paves Clip-On Hair pieces
4. Do not wear: Ed Hardy Clothing, Trucker hats, Bandoleros, Shirts that show your still-unformed belly, sheers, Flip-flops like they are street shoes, cowboy boots, babydoll dresses, cowboy boots WITH babydoll dresses, Ugly Sunglasses
5. Get some pictures taken with your children sans an assistant and pepsi-filled bottles.
6. Go to the gym 5 days a week. Eat healthy. JUST DO IT.
7. Don't date anyone for now. You need to identify with yourself and become your own person again. Trying to fill a void in yourself with someone else's love is not going to work. You need to be in control right now.
8. Write personal letters of apology to all of the various photographer's/interviewer's sets you've abandoned without notice.
9. Become close with at least 3 fashion designers, 3 artistic portraiteurs and 2 other high-status performing artists. Believe me... this will be easy. They ALL want to be the one that "saved britney's career."
10. Be a bitch to the people you need to and ask for what you want, but finish everything you start. Do what you say you will, follow through with your commitments. You're allowed to be a bitch and still well-loved in this industry, but you must be somewhat professional and follow though.
11. Stop partying for a little while. It's distracting.
12. Go to a derm, and also get regular facials... and go get a flippin mani/pedi already, JESUS.
13. Don't let me down you dirty dirty white-trash hooker.
I miss you. Smooches.
-Gregory
LOOK... I'm not fucking around anymore. Get it together, ok? I've spent WAY too much of my energy trying to defend your retarded ass, saying things like "This is all a publicity stunt, she's smarter than she looks" and "The only thing people like more than seeing a bitch fall off a pedestal, is seeing her subesquent rise back to the top. If Mooriah Scarey can do it, than Britters deffers can too." et al. I can't do this for you anymore... ESPECIALLY when there are hos like Kylie Minogue who are far more interesting to watch than you have ever been, but aren't noticed by the fickle US audience as saleable. I do my homework. I need my fix. I am pop passionate. Madonna is 85 years old and I'm in a terrible position, Britney... a position that's prescence has invoked an emotional cyst to develop on my virginal, idealistic, american popstardom-infused heart. I'm extremely exhausted at the idea of spending $25 more dollars on a Kylie import CD from Virgin Megastore, Ms. Spears. I'm sick of toiling over the idea of spending $1k to fly to the UK to see Sophie Ellis-Bextor in concert just to experience a pretty lady in a daring outfit with a well-formed image, tweeting to simple (non-r&b infused) pop beats and dodging the professional dancers that are placed and moving around her just so to illuminate the unexpected muse that is she. I'm sick of working so hard to fulfill my hearty and wanton desire for bubbly-electronic chunky pop music, while you waste your time popping out piglets, picking up drug habits and gaining 45 lbs. If you're going to gain weight, do it with some class! It's called BRIE and CROISSANTS hun. I mean, CHEETOS? REALLY?
Now I realize that this all may be coming across a bit harsh. I need you to understand that most of my animosity sits in the fact that I am frusterated. I know your potential. Let's see if I can explain it to you so someone like you might understand... It's like you asked me to leave the bar with you, only to find out that when we got back to your place you'd only let me put the tip in for 5 seconds. Get it now? Good. On to the intervention.
Since I realize I am basically tearing you to bits, I thought it would only be fair of me to provide some tools for you to use during the controversial scaling of the aforementioned pedestal:
1. Don't read US Weekly, Life & Style, OK!, People, Enquiror, Star, etc. Don't watch E!News, Extra, ET, The Soup, The View, Good Morning Live. Don't listen to ANY radio station that has ANY sort of association with Ryan Seacrest.
2. GET A PERSONAL STYLIST. (If you do this you can skip #3 and #4.)
3. Remove all of these articles from your head: Blonde Extentions, Brunette Extentions, Black Extentions, Wigs, Bandannas, Scarves, Scrunchies, Barrettes, Ken Paves Clip-On Hair pieces
4. Do not wear: Ed Hardy Clothing, Trucker hats, Bandoleros, Shirts that show your still-unformed belly, sheers, Flip-flops like they are street shoes, cowboy boots, babydoll dresses, cowboy boots WITH babydoll dresses, Ugly Sunglasses
5. Get some pictures taken with your children sans an assistant and pepsi-filled bottles.
6. Go to the gym 5 days a week. Eat healthy. JUST DO IT.
7. Don't date anyone for now. You need to identify with yourself and become your own person again. Trying to fill a void in yourself with someone else's love is not going to work. You need to be in control right now.
8. Write personal letters of apology to all of the various photographer's/interviewer's sets you've abandoned without notice.
9. Become close with at least 3 fashion designers, 3 artistic portraiteurs and 2 other high-status performing artists. Believe me... this will be easy. They ALL want to be the one that "saved britney's career."
10. Be a bitch to the people you need to and ask for what you want, but finish everything you start. Do what you say you will, follow through with your commitments. You're allowed to be a bitch and still well-loved in this industry, but you must be somewhat professional and follow though.
11. Stop partying for a little while. It's distracting.
12. Go to a derm, and also get regular facials... and go get a flippin mani/pedi already, JESUS.
13. Don't let me down you dirty dirty white-trash hooker.
I miss you. Smooches.
-Gregory
P.S. A little something to inspire you.
posted by Gregory at
8:06 AM
1 Comments
