GAYVIDZ

So I figure it's time to start a new column on the ole blog. I was on You Tube tonight (because that is apparently all anyone ever does these days) and I was looking up some choice music videos from my past... you know... reminiscing and stuff. After about the 18th video I watched, I realized the ultimate theme of these viral vids.... They were all pretty fucking gay. I decided that maybe it would be a great idea to share the gayness with you, in all of it's campy, brightly-colored glory. Nothing like a nice faggy video to start your day off right and bright.

I know most of you out there are thinking "wait a minute, aren't all of the videos you put up totally gay already anyway?" To this, my response is a big fat "FUCKYOUANDYOURFATBITCHMOTHER". Although a lot of my tastes have a hedonistic undertone, that doesn't mean they're all full-fledged gay. It's just partially gay. Not all-the-way gay. Guffaw. (The sad thing is that "all-the-way-gay" was a play on "All-the-way Mae", a character that Madonna played in the movie A League of Their Own... the gayest movie made in 1993. 1993? I just pulled that year out of my ass.)

Anywho, I decided that I needed to find the GAYEST videos on You Tube and start posting them and commenting on them because... well... that is what i do.

I needed to start the show off right, a real kicker you know? Something familiar (80's) but not too obvious (Madonna). I think I found one of the more homosexual videos of our time.

I present to you Whitney Houston's video for HOW WILL I KNOW? (My brill interp below)



The video starts with a somewhat nervous Whitney. We get to see her skinny back and legs hobbling through tie-dyed hallways with lots of gay dancers in head-to-toe black.

at :13 - note the thing she does with her hair. This happens about 15 more times throughout the video.

at :28 - we finally get to see Whitney's face. She is obviously already bored and just wants to get her check and leave. Flash to some insane dancers and more of careless Whitney. I'm pretty sure she's stoned. Love the hair and makeup. SO gay.

at :50 - we are introduced to the boy that Whitney is supposed to be asking about. How will she know? Well... I can tell you Whitney, but you might want to grab a whiskey sour and a warm compress because it's going to be a rough ride.

at :52 - WHITNEY'S WEIRD BOOBS.

at :55 - Weird orgy dancing featuring Whit's main squeeze. It doesn't matter sir, writhe around with those weirdo Fellini looking chicks, we still know you're a big Mary gay.

at 1:01 - Why would you do that to her? She already looks a little wobbly, why put her in a fun house mirror with green goo running down the sides? WONKVILLE, POPULATION WHITNEY.

at 1:17 - The coolest moment in the video. The non-descript dancer kicking for a second.

at 1:30 - 1:55 - An historical moment begins... as a child this was like magic to me. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The dancers, the colors, the shifting between foreground and background, the shadow dancers, the paint splatters right up to the part where the phones get shoved in your face to the beat of "CAN'T SPEAK". I MADE this video.

at 2:04 - Ummmm.... do I have to say anything? If any part of this video turned me Mobound, this was it.

at 2:20 - Genius. Busby Berkley-style shit going on here with the lifesaver and the shot from above.

at 2:27 - 2 seconds of awesome. The girl dancer does a back kick and arm flick and the purple swoosh across the screen makes my millennium. GAAAAAAY.

at 2:37 - I never understood this part... maybe it's like a modern take on a choir? Like Corb's version of the gospel singers? I have NO IDEA. I think it actually might have scared me when I was little because I'm a little scared right now.

at 2:48 - GAY.

at 2:58 - Too Shy Can't Speak + Red Paint Splash = Awesome (=gay)

at 3:08 - Even though all these guys are FUGGGGGG, I totally wanted to be Whitney in this moment. Thinking too myself "Oh no! All these doors! All these men behind them! What do I do?"

at 3:20 - Nightmares for 3 weeks.

at 3:46 - Always thought it was HILARIOUS how far back the Sax "player" leans when he "plays" that last high note.

at 4:00 - UNCOMFORTABLE.

at 4:03 - MORE PHONES! YAY! I love the phones. Operator operator... information please.

at 4:22 - We're treated to yet one more Whitney hair fluff, and then we're out.

THANK BUHJESUS. That shit was almost as exhausting for me as it was for YOU! I'll be back with more gay very soon ;)

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

I have NO WORDS for this one. This is one crazy bitch. This pretty much made my millennium you guys. I hope you enjoy as much as I did. (My favorite part is right around the 1 minute mark)



I know, right?!

STARNOTES!

Dearest Tila Tequila:

I've never really paid much attention to you before. I always just kind of considered you to be another Myspace whore, trying to make a buck by breaking into the reality show universe. Apparently your show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" has been fairly successful.

Good for you, Ms. Tequila.

I must say, though, that I do take issue with a recent observation of yours, namely, the one that was the catalyst for the highly publicized statement that you made boasting that you are responsible for the legalization of gay marriage in California. I'm not in California, and I could give two shits about gay marriage. I mean it's great and all, but I guess I just feel like there are much larger issues at hand to be discussed... like Britney Spears custody battle, Denise Richards and the price of milk. Also, I think marriage is kind of a sham, but that's beside the point.

I guess I would just rather that you stick to what you're good at: anorexia, tanning, weird parties, reality shows laden with semi-hotties, blowjobs and dressing up like a drag queen.

Tons of gay love because your so totally gay and awesome,

PS: Nice name, tardbreath.

WHAT A BITCH!

I'd like to apologize for my recent blogging deliqunecies... I've been out of commish for the last 2 weeks as I have been on Jury Duty for a murder trial in Bklyn. MAJOR DRAMZ. Thank god that shit is over. It gave me a hernia. I had to work everynight after J duty as my current employer did not pay me for it....

...needless to say, there were a few dark moments.

I promise I'll be back this week, better than ever, with more delightful posts, a Crazy Lady of the Week, a Care's Corner, and some general delights re: all things pop culture. I mean, I think we all know that I have a few Starnotes that I need to write. Actually, I might do one right now ;)

Forever yours my few but loyal and fickle readers,

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

This one's a real treat. This lady threw herself at the back of someone's car to fake an accident. Mind you: homegirl is NOT injured AT ALL. Her head is wrapped in white cloth and she has funny pants on. I have NO IDEA you guys... all I know that the first 40 seconds made me laugh so hard I almost pooped myself! Watch to the end to get the real treat: The requisite CRAZY LADY RANT! Enjoy =)



Cray-Cray McGee.

...IT'S CYNDI, BITCH! HOLLA...




























I must have some kind of strange 6th sense... some kind of cosmic link to the pop universe. About 6 months ago I went through an insane Cyndi Lauper re-discovery period. I was looking for some inspiration for my own stuff and was going through "the vaults" when I came across the track Mizz Lauper recorded for the Goonies soundtrack entitled "Good Enough". I immediately began downloading as much of her stuff as possible and could not get over how amazing it was. 'She Bop', 'Money Changes Everything', 'Change of Heart', 'All Through the Night, 'Time After Time', 'Shine', the list goes on and on... they were and still are pop gems. She has this insane ability to be raw and pop at the same time. The production at the time was raising the bar for her peers and yet, she was still able to maintain this unique voice, it always felt sincere.

Well, Cyndi is back in a major way (!) with her newest release entitled 'BRING YA TO THE BRINK'!!! Seriously, people... I need you to understand this: I have not been this excited for an artist's return since Kylie Minogue rubbed 'Can't Get You Outta My Head' in our fickle-ass American faces. Most of you know how I feel about my Kylie ;)

I happened upon this album's recent release accidentally while fartin' around on iTunes last week, and in ONE week it has shot to #6 on the album downloads list. I am SO PROUD of our CYNDI! It really is about damn time. I say we all buy the fuck out of this album and get home girl to number 1!

Click HERE to preview tracks from 'BRING YA TO THE BRINK'! I highly recommend 'Into the Nightlife', 'Echo' and 'Grab a Hold'.