CARE'S CORNER!

Why, hello there campers! It's your good friend Care reporting for duty on this fine spring morn. Today was the quintessential spring morn, by and large. Slightly overcast, a bit brisk, the smell of sea salt in the air, but Mother Nature's notion of spring sprinkled about. Daffodils are spouting like yellow labia, and children's noses are running like effervescent fjords in line with the sudden increase of pollen. I just love seeing the Frangipani trees burst, and taking nice big whiffs of their fragrant and vaginal blooms. I do love a good bloom now. Oh dear, listen to me going on and on about Frangipani trees and Front-Bottoms! I sound like one of them Lesbians, don't I! Let's get on with it, shall we?

This week's question was sent in by our lovely reader, Parker from New York, NY. Parker is a homosexual man and lives in New York City... Already sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I won't judge as my memaw always told me "Don't judge a recipe by it's index card." Let's see what is pokin' Parker's perineum:

"Dear Care:

I am a 24 year old gay man living in Manhattan. The nightlife is great and I love the city, but I find that most of the men I encounter are only looking for a quick slam in the sack, and I'm always hoping for a bit more. I'm beginning to lose hope all together. Do you have any suggestions that might help me snag a good man for the long haul? Hope you can help.

Thanks,

Parker

P.S. I love your sweaters!"

My Dear Sweet Confused Parker:

Where shall I begin? I suppose that I should preface this response with this: I am a god-fearing christian woman. With that being said, here are a few tips:

1. Stop giving up the Brisket and Mash on the first date.

I know how you queers are with your sex. Sure you're gays, and that's something that I have to swallow as this is my job and I'm extremely professional, but at the end of the day, you're still MEN. Men are slick swine. They'll always take a little pork loin, whether that's what they came to the table to eat in the first place or not. Withhold the Creamed-chipped Beef, and you might be surprised at the outcome.

2. Think like a lady but do NOT act like one, sheesh.

Doris Day=Lady. Elizabeth Taylor=Heathen and Whore. Just do the math. I don't think this idea is a complicated one to wrap your noggin around, Mr. Parker. Whatever you do, don't ACT like Doris Day as the only thing men dislike more than a staid woman is a man that is so effeminate that his S's sound like cold water on a cast-iron pan and who's pinky finger remains eternally at a 45 degree angle no matter WHAT he is doing. That is not becoming mon frere, it's disgraceful. Keep yourself in check, Nancy.

3. Exaggerate your social status.

Homosexuals love anyone with a higher social status than them as they naively assume that it immediately elevates them to a higher caste. Tell him that you know the owner of the establishment you're at and that you can get him free food or drinks, then go up to the bar or kitchen and start a tab. He'll probably be three sheets to the wind by the time you leave the place, and loverboy will be none the wiser when it's time to check out. You'll leave him wondering "How does Parker do it? I need to find out."

4. Don't tell him you want anything beyond a first date until after the first date has ended.

Men are afraid of commitment as this is, by law of nature, against their primal inner-instinct's mental programming. Men are breeders, pardon me... seed-depositors. (Don't want to offend any of you nancyboy queers out there.) Their instincts are to jump from person to person spreading their earthy smells and their seeds the world over until they crap out from too many Gin Rickeys and blackjack nights at HO-Chunk. If on the first date, you're already talkin' about havin' the armies of babies and stock options (or as you gays are concerned: modular seating arrangements, can lighting placement and female Asian adoption processes) he's bound to ditch you on your next trip to the toilets. You HAVE TO KEEP THE BOYS GUESSING, my deary. Otherwise, what's the fun in it? If you're not apt to be viewed as a prize to be won, you have nothing to offer and they will leave you like a goddamn condemned crackhouse... high and dry and full of spooks.

5. Be Svelte!

Are you a little porker, Parker? Well if you are, good luck hooking another gay for the full run. Those rosebud-lickers are as size-ist as they come. The only way to hook, line and sink one of those muscle mary misogynists is to be on par with their unrealistic expectations of beauty and the male physique. I say, get your jiggly rump to your local gymnasium for some good, old fashioned calisthenics. I also recommend Jane Fonda's work out tapes. You can usually find them in the bargain bins at church resale drives and local thrift shops.

6. Keep up with the latest hollywood fashions.

Don't show up to your date lookin' like you just won 2nd place at the GD Milwaukee Milk Festival tractor pull, Parker! The gays like the fashion just as much as us womenfolk do. You've gotta think DAPPER! A nice slack, a stylish blouse with a nice pattern or color... maybe a jacket with some mother of pearl buttons would be nice. Always dress appropriately to the season as well. The only thing worse than losing a man because of your terrible personality, is losing a man because you're dressed like a whale-totin' Eskimo at Pam Bueler's Aloha Luau Coconut bash!

Parker, my good boy, I hope these tips helped you out, and I hope you can get your grip on a nice gay boy who is just like you: confused and hopeless!

Hugs and Kisses,

Care

P.S. I'm glad you like my sweaters, Parker! If you would like me to make you one, send me an email and we can make arrangements. This week's is called 'RASPBERRY FREEDOM MOCK-RIB SPLAYDAY #2'.

If you have a question for care, please send an email to splutters@gmail.com. In the subject line please type 'Question for Care'. Hugs and Kisses!