splut•ter |'splŭt'er|

2010-07-15T20:30:00.001-05:00

FASHION (TURN TO THE LEFT)

Since I've been living in the backwoods for the last few months, I have found myself becoming more and more inspired by nature and organic processes. Alas, as most of you know, I am never satisfied... particularly in a social and/or cultural context. This is the ever-present challenge. I constantly long for the big city life with it's hard edges and man-made dirt and hypocritical nature. I need its clean lines, its inhabitants' ego-driven desire for self-expression, and the general young adult conception that we all will stop at nothing to be accepted for who we are. I NEED FASHION, BABY.

For a while now, I have been functioning in two very different M.O. The cravings for each extreme have, over time, shed light on my nature and approach to living and atmosphere. I am an extremist in a very catagorized way. I want to have my cake and eat it too, but I want my cake totally seperate from my eating it, and I want to have excessive banter, hyper-analyzing the effect of having to eating, and eating to having but only in the moment of the effect. This, in turn, exacerbates the destructive elements in this relationship and disolves any opportunity for cohesion betwixt the two possibilities. Therefore, when I am in a beautiful natural environment and it is brutally interrupted by a sad baggy sweatshirt, carpenter jean shorts, and the generally unfortunate scrunchie, I can't help but cringe a little bit. Some may say that this is a (rather shallow) sacrifice one must make when relocated to such far reaches of the galaxy. My stance remains contrary, though, to this somewhat newly antiquated way of thought. Is the desire to find inspiration in other's visual creative force really so dim? Is it so wrong to want to explore and share your own creative ideas via color, image and harmonious combination? Why is this enjoyable phenomenon seemingly quarantined to a social few when there are so many people that have so many ideas about themselves and how they fit into the world?

Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion on where and when fashion and style occur but I do think there is a stigma aligned with an atmosphere where one is assessed by what is on their back rather than what is coming out of their mouth. Who says which is more of a valuable tool to assess one's character? In my humble opinion, talk can be just as obviously cheap as a bad knock-off bag. I take umbrage with the fact that in some circles the style-coordinated, creative and fashion-ABLE are often deemed pretentious, attention-hungry and vacant. I think for me, the whole thing is more about a comfort in expressing one's self. Self-expression stems way beyond language and can actually attract people to one another! Why would one deny that opportunity?

I think the bottom line is that, in this world... and ironically particularly this country, people have a fear of expression. They have a fear of being judged and that judgment being some kind of negative reflection of who they are or what they like. I think that the submission to the "anti-style" is, in some form or another, an individual's extradition of the pressures that expressing one's self can bear. One can only wonder, though, if this person, who has written off the benefit or importance of quite possibly the easiest and most accessible form of self-expression, had this expressive freedom taken away from them, would they be singing a different tune?

With this question I leave you, in celebration of all-things-fashion, with a link to my friend Emma's new blog/lookbook called The Clothes You Wear. Emma has been all over the world as of late... Paris, Amsterdam, London, and good ole' Chicago, taking pictures of individuals with inspired clothing and ideas who clearly take a second, while getting ready to go out into the world, to make it a more visually rich, unique and creatively unobstructed place!

Hats off to you my darling Emma!

2009-10-15T13:38:00.002-05:00

HEILDALEY!

My friend Maggie sent this little nugget of goodness to me today to make up for the fact that she included me on the forward list of one of those chain mails that guarantees that "If you send 20 of these emails to your friends, we will send you a brand new Sony Ericksson Laptop!"... clearly a total and complete hoax. Alas, she has more than redeemed herself with this HIGHlarious video re: Chicago's Mayor Daley and the 2016 Olympics. Behold:

More than makes up for it, Mags ;) Let me know when you get your laptop.

2009-10-14T22:14:00.007-05:00

KOKIRIKO BUSHI

This clip features an electropop remix of the oldest Japanese song in existence. It is entitled 'Kokiriko Bushi', which loosely translates to Song of the Kokiriko - an ancient Japanese string instrument. Omokada (of Far East Recordings), an electro-pop collective, produced the music. The animation was directed by Teppei Maki. Definitely watch this one in HQ. Perhaps the most haunting moment is at :48 when the antiquated vocals loop into the hard electro sounds. It is creepy in the most bright and shimmery sort of way.

It really butters my toast :o)

For more gems like this check out TokyoMango before they remove the 8-bit wonders.

2009-06-12T20:59:00.003-05:00

BABY HUEY DOES NOT BELONG ANYWHERE.

Is it just me or is this kind of intensely sad and incredibly hilarious in the most passive way possible?

2009-06-05T11:45:00.003-05:00

THIS SHIT IS AMAZING

This is all I've ever wanted. Anything bad that has happened to me over the last 6 months of my life no longer matters and I have Dixie EFFING Carter to thank for it.

Simply amazing.

2008-12-23T14:02:00.007-05:00

THUNDER...THUNDER...THUNDERCATS!!

Check out this shlamazing fan-made trailer starring Brad Pitt, Vin Diesel and Hugh Jackman... as it should. lol...

ROTFL

2008-12-23T01:52:00.003-05:00

AWESOME COOLNESS

Please watch the preview video for the new song M.A.G.I.C. by The Sound of Arrows. Truly Lovely!

The Sound of Arrows - M.A.G.I.C. (Mini-video) from The Sound of Arrows on Vimeo.

The Sound of Arrows is Stefan Storm and Oskar Gullstrand. They look like this.

I can't wait for their album you guys!!!!

In spirit of the holidays I've enclosed a little gift from me to you! left click the link below (then select save as) for their first single M.A.G.I.C. in full, for free! Gotta love it.

http://www.labrador.se/mp3/thesoundofarrows-m.a.g.i.c.mp3

2008-12-07T22:10:00.006-05:00

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THESE WORDS...

...but I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THE NEW LILY ALLEN SONG and VIDEO! YOU MUST WATCH.

Lily Allen - The Fear @ Yahoo! Video

Just fantastic. Graceful, creepy, vibrant and magical. Fucking lovely. I hope her whole album is like this. I'm happy for her.

2008-11-25T13:00:00.004-05:00

JENNY TALKS 'BRITNEY'

My buddy Jenny Eliscu was interviewed on the TODAY show about her experience interviewing Britney Spears. Jenny wrote the article 'YES SHE CAN! Britney Returns' in the upcoming Rolling Stone issue. Check out Jenny's article (on newsstands this friday) and her interview with Meridith Viera below. It's really interesting to get an honest glimpse into the mysterious world of Ms. Britney Spears.

2008-11-12T17:09:00.004-05:00

BOYS BOYS BOYS

I don't know if there has ever been a video as amazing as the one you are about to watch. Sabrina Salermo is my hero. Actually... Sabrina Salermo's fame-hungry areola is my hero. I can't believe this shit was on TV! She has like 85 nip slips in this vid. Throw in an annoying accent and a beach ball and you've got a winner in my book. At 2:50 her top is basically off. I miss the 80s. If I had been old enough for sexy times in the 80's all I would have done is play bushflash and peek-a-boo weener and wear budgie-smugglers. I would have been the male Sabrina Salermo.

Who am I kidding, we all know that I was (and still am) the male Sabrina Salermo.

2008-11-03T18:14:00.000-05:00

WURK IT OUT, GIRLFRIEND!

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Shit.

2008-10-28T23:50:00.005-05:00

WHAT-WHAT IN DONNIE DAVIES BUTT

I felt the need to post this not only because it is HILARIOUS but also because I feel as though I have a social obligation to comment on it. There is a lot of controversy over whether or not this dude is for real and actually a chunky, pink-shirt wearin', tulip carryin', Wicked ticket-holdin' closeted VP of the Cher fan club who is so afraid of himself that he has taken to some serious bullshit mudslinging, or if this is some kind of elaborate viral marketing scheme. Either way it is bloody entertaining.

I secretly hope that this IS for real as I feel that this sad display of homophobic frippery is all the vindication that the entire LGBT community needs. Check out his CRAYCRAY MAGEE ministries website, too. If this IS a joke, even though aspects of it are in bad taste, I think it is semi-brill.

Alas, judging by this show poster that is posted on his band EVENING SERVICE's website, I'm guessing it's all a farce a la that of the late great Eurovision contestant farce-cum-europopstar SILVIA NIGHT. Talk about a great trick!

Ah why not a little SILVIA, for old time's sake!

And as if that all wasnt gay enough, I still feel the need to post the next video to balance out the Donnie Davies madness from earlier.

AHHHHHHHHHH. MUCH better.

2008-10-27T02:19:00.003-05:00

SARAH PALIN EATS SQUIRREL MELTS.

Squirrel Melts.... You MUST try them.

I, of course, have to make a few comments on this one:

#1 - I'll tell you where your second safety is you crazy bitch.
#2 - HUNTRESS. WHERE THE FUCK DO THEY AIR THIS SHOW?
#3 - Why is your voice so shaky, Heidi? "A niiiice, youuung, tender squiirrrrrel." Sad day.
#4 - No, Heidi... the skinned squirrel is NOT "kinda cute".
#5 - ...And I'm not putting his "little tender butt" anywhere NEAR my FUCKING STOVETOP.
#6 - I DO know how SQUIRRELS like NUTS. CHRIST I don't even know where to start.
#7 - Tailgate party
#8 - (2:10) Don't look at me like that, Heidi.

2008-10-25T10:54:00.002-05:00

E=MC VAGINA

***Thanks to Laura for showing me this delightful Gem =)

2008-10-23T21:16:00.001-05:00

I LOVE THIS WOMAN WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING

You can buy the new single 'Nattura' on iTunes and support this important cause.

2008-09-30T19:32:00.001-05:00

SARAH PALIN - MISS ALASKA

2008-09-28T22:49:00.002-05:00

FUNNY SAD TRUE

Check out Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's parody of Katie Couric's Palin interview. You really don't even have to watch the original... this sums it up perfectly.

2008-09-12T20:07:00.001-05:00

THE WONDER GIRLS

It's a long and cinematic vid, you have to watch the whole thing... OK?

I think I'm in love.

2008-09-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

THE BRILLIANT CATHERINE TATE

This is not my sandwich.

2008-09-08T20:02:00.000-05:00

DAD, IS THAT A MICKEY MOUSE T-SHIRT?

2008-09-07T16:21:00.001-05:00

JUICY POP

natalie portman's shaved head - sophisticated side ponytail from thatgo on Vimeo.

2008-09-05T15:50:00.000-05:00

OMFG YOU GUYS!

Video: Britney's Back!

2008-08-11T17:53:00.002-05:00

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

PLEASE enjoy Kylie's brand new video for her track 'THE ONE' off of her album 'X'.

How refreshingly awesome is this shit?!

2008-08-10T13:48:00.002-05:00

A "MUCH-NEEDED" BRITNEY SPEARS UPDATE

Well, it looks like Brit is clawing her way back to successville... and it seems that most everyone is rooting for her. (I've said time and time again that the only thing people like more than seeing a bitch fall from her proverbial pedestal, is watching her claw her way back to the top.) I've been hearing through the grapevine that the promos she has been shooting with MTV are not her in a guest ad-spot, but are being shot because she and Russell Brand will be CO-HOSTING the VMAs together. Crazytown 2008. I hope that she can handle that shit. I hope that she performs too! Whether or not she nails it, it is something to look forward to on the VMAs... Below is a picture of a much healthier-looking Brit and Russell on the set of the VMA promo shoot.

I love the 900-lb elephant in the room too. Nice touch, Viacom. WTF is Brit wearing? It looks like a fucking Madonna hand-me-down. You're not 80, Brit. It's ok to show a little T&A. Oh no... she better not be going all matronly Madonna-style now. Her hair looks nice, though. She doesn't look mentally handicapped anymore... I suppose that's a good thing.

In other Britney spears related news, her mother, Lynne is releasing her tell-all book 'THROUGH the STORM: A Real Story of FAME AND FAMILY In a TABLOID WORLD". SO DRAMATIC, Lynne!

I think the cover pic is terrble. I think that people would take it more seriously if she put a candid on the cover, or like a picture of her making a "I'm not talkin' bull" face. Instead, we have her posing with a hopefull smirk, gazing out the window. What the fuck is that? Apparently Lynn gets down and dirty re: Britney's sudden fame, admits to having some regrets about how she parented Britney and also dishes on Adnan and the fact that HE WAS DRUGGING BRITNEY. Interesting. (Sidenote: I never realized that Lynne had such giant norks!)

I'm already bored with the idea of this book... almost as bored as you are of this post. I'm out.

2008-08-10T13:41:00.002-05:00

SPLUTTERS on FACEBOOK!

Wow, I've typed "splutters on facebook" a few times today, and I am just now realizing how dirty it sounds!

The SPLUTTERS Facebook page went live today, and I couldn't be happier. I have some fun ideas for it and I'm excited to have two different forums going for the Splutters community (i.e. the 3 people that read this blog)

Yay!

2008-07-10T00:58:00.004-05:00

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

New York, What a town! So much to see and do... so much culture and entertainment... amazing restaurants and shopping and so many gorgeous and interesting people! It is also, to my utmost delight, the crazy lady capital of the world.

Exhibit A:

I'm guessing this was on the 456, going uptown, 1 in the morn. Call it a hunch. I'm also guessing that this was crack-related crazy... based completely on the fact that her tone is shockingly reminiscent of a cracked-out Whitney Houston.

2008-07-10T00:48:00.005-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Naomi Campbell's Attorney:

WOW. No words.

Best of luck to you and yours,

2008-07-10T00:24:00.007-05:00

OMFG! I TOTALLY LOVE HARVARD SAILING TEAM AND SO DO YOU!

HST is not a sailing team, but a NYC-based sketch comedy group that makes me jizz my pants with joy and laughter. I just came across this video tonight and laughed my ass off and felt the need to share it with the people. (That's my friend Jen with the bounty of curls and the snotrag. She's a regular riot.)

They have a bunch of great vids on their website. They also just filmed a series for Sesame Street which starts airing some time in the fall... tres exciting.

You can see their live shows (next time you're in NYC) at The People's Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th Street (between 6th + 7th Avenue) in midtown Manhattan. Tix are a measly $8 and you can check out www.thepit-nyc.com to buy them in advance.

2008-07-05T21:23:00.006-05:00

SPAMTASTIC

My friend Lauren and I were recently discussing getting random weird junk email and how, often times, said junk mail will contain a splattering of odd nonsensical insanity. We spent about 20 min chattin online, coming up with the most random spamliners we could, giggling our butts off. I am an avid fan of Gmail, and have been using it as my email server for a few years now. I have never had a spam in my main Gmail inbox... it was always sent to my spam box, until tonight. I was disappointed until I opened it and was delighted to read its insane and hilarious contents (favorite bits in red):

Hi,

1) Open your browser
2) Enter http://www.capedyinlax[do]com/
3) Replace "DO" with "."

--
Accomplish it with the aid of my penances.' the these vehicles
with that wealth and once more celestials and which existeth
not in the world the rifles spat flame into the deepening
dusk wounded, angry, leaving the boy with an irreconciliable
having beheld that excellent lord of all waters than by
the words, that eveena asked and i gave and water and pebbles
and leaves and flowers and at rome and send the work to
varro, should it a woman crying outside a little while ago.
i don't imagined, for their plans so persistently to miscarrybut
concealed, it is certain to increase. Having committed.

Oh you spammers with your funny language. Let me try and speak in your wobbly tongue...I'll give it my best shot:

Dare you take my dart, blithering days just for that sent to my hand. Karen called, cherry lakes are misgiving frequently and nepal. Pack and soliloquy may fortitude like iron little is it my for yours to give giving.

I might be a genius.

2008-07-05T20:32:00.003-05:00

OMFG! I TOTALLY LOVE JUVELEN AND SO DO YOU!

I originally wrote about Juvelen back in my 2007 Top of the Pops post. With his general laissez-faire look, his penchant for blatant and unapologetic pop and his overall charisma and charm, he made an instant fan out of me. I've just discovered his video for his song 'Don't Mess' and I really wanted to share it with all of you. Come with me and let's indulge in all it's DIY, poorly-lighted, hilariously-choreographed, stop-time and sexy glory.

I think I'm in love.

2008-07-05T18:05:00.006-05:00

NSFW

Another new column! NSFW is exactly that...videos that are NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK; i.e. containing sex, nudity, violence, cursing, and anything else you'd find on late night HBO. I mean, honestly it's up to you. If you are a daredevil, then go for the gold. I've deffo done my share of looking for celeb peen pics on the company dime. I even know a girl who masturbates in her cubicle at my current place of employment. GASP(!) I know, but she needs to do it or she explodes by 3:15.

Of course, in true fashion, I must start off with a BANG! A delightfully creepy yet hilarious jerk-off porn!

Albeit from the odd musical accompaniment and unfortunately small wiener, everything in the vid starts off normal enough. Well I guess it's not totally normal what with the weird close up, the outdated "blinds" transition, the way he hops on the bed like a rabid animal... I mean, ultimately the dude is just making an amateur jerk-off porn with a funny hat on... But then everything shifts and goes terribly wrong. CLASSIC ENTERTAINMENT. This shit is creepier than my last 'Crazy Lady of the Week' clip and, of course, is NSFW! Enjoy pervs and non-pervs alike!

2008-06-19T21:26:00.006-05:00

GAYVIDZ

So I figure it's time to start a new column on the ole blog. I was on You Tube tonight (because that is apparently all anyone ever does these days) and I was looking up some choice music videos from my past... you know... reminiscing and stuff. After about the 18th video I watched, I realized the ultimate theme of these viral vids.... They were all pretty fucking gay. I decided that maybe it would be a great idea to share the gayness with you, in all of it's campy, brightly-colored glory. Nothing like a nice faggy video to start your day off right and bright.

I know most of you out there are thinking "wait a minute, aren't all of the videos you put up totally gay already anyway?" To this, my response is a big fat "FUCKYOUANDYOURFATBITCHMOTHER". Although a lot of my tastes have a hedonistic undertone, that doesn't mean they're all full-fledged gay. It's just partially gay. Not all-the-way gay. Guffaw. (The sad thing is that "all-the-way-gay" was a play on "All-the-way Mae", a character that Madonna played in the movie A League of Their Own... the gayest movie made in 1993. 1993? I just pulled that year out of my ass.)

Anywho, I decided that I needed to find the GAYEST videos on You Tube and start posting them and commenting on them because... well... that is what i do.

I needed to start the show off right, a real kicker you know? Something familiar (80's) but not too obvious (Madonna). I think I found one of the more homosexual videos of our time.

I present to you Whitney Houston's video for HOW WILL I KNOW? (My brill interp below)

The video starts with a somewhat nervous Whitney. We get to see her skinny back and legs hobbling through tie-dyed hallways with lots of gay dancers in head-to-toe black.

at :13 - note the thing she does with her hair. This happens about 15 more times throughout the video.

at :28 - we finally get to see Whitney's face. She is obviously already bored and just wants to get her check and leave. Flash to some insane dancers and more of careless Whitney. I'm pretty sure she's stoned. Love the hair and makeup. SO gay.

at :50 - we are introduced to the boy that Whitney is supposed to be asking about. How will she know? Well... I can tell you Whitney, but you might want to grab a whiskey sour and a warm compress because it's going to be a rough ride.

at :52 - WHITNEY'S WEIRD BOOBS.

at :55 - Weird orgy dancing featuring Whit's main squeeze. It doesn't matter sir, writhe around with those weirdo Fellini looking chicks, we still know you're a big Mary gay.

at 1:01 - Why would you do that to her? She already looks a little wobbly, why put her in a fun house mirror with green goo running down the sides? WONKVILLE, POPULATION WHITNEY.

at 1:17 - The coolest moment in the video. The non-descript dancer kicking for a second.

at 1:30 - 1:55 - An historical moment begins... as a child this was like magic to me. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. The dancers, the colors, the shifting between foreground and background, the shadow dancers, the paint splatters right up to the part where the phones get shoved in your face to the beat of "CAN'T SPEAK". I MADE this video.

at 2:04 - Ummmm.... do I have to say anything? If any part of this video turned me Mobound, this was it.

at 2:20 - Genius. Busby Berkley-style shit going on here with the lifesaver and the shot from above.

at 2:27 - 2 seconds of awesome. The girl dancer does a back kick and arm flick and the purple swoosh across the screen makes my millennium. GAAAAAAY.

at 2:37 - I never understood this part... maybe it's like a modern take on a choir? Like Corb's version of the gospel singers? I have NO IDEA. I think it actually might have scared me when I was little because I'm a little scared right now.

at 2:48 - GAY.

at 2:58 - Too Shy Can't Speak + Red Paint Splash = Awesome (=gay)

at 3:08 - Even though all these guys are FUGGGGGG, I totally wanted to be Whitney in this moment. Thinking too myself "Oh no! All these doors! All these men behind them! What do I do?"

at 3:20 - Nightmares for 3 weeks.

at 3:46 - Always thought it was HILARIOUS how far back the Sax "player" leans when he "plays" that last high note.

at 4:00 - UNCOMFORTABLE.

at 4:03 - MORE PHONES! YAY! I love the phones. Operator operator... information please.

at 4:22 - We're treated to yet one more Whitney hair fluff, and then we're out.

THANK BUHJESUS. That shit was almost as exhausting for me as it was for YOU! I'll be back with more gay very soon ;)

2008-06-15T12:10:00.004-05:00

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

I have NO WORDS for this one. This is one crazy bitch. This pretty much made my millennium you guys. I hope you enjoy as much as I did. (My favorite part is right around the 1 minute mark)

I know, right?!

2008-06-14T18:52:00.009-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dearest Tila Tequila:

I've never really paid much attention to you before. I always just kind of considered you to be another Myspace whore, trying to make a buck by breaking into the reality show universe. Apparently your show "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" has been fairly successful.

Good for you, Ms. Tequila.

I must say, though, that I do take issue with a recent observation of yours, namely, the one that was the catalyst for the highly publicized statement that you made boasting that you are responsible for the legalization of gay marriage in California. I'm not in California, and I could give two shits about gay marriage. I mean it's great and all, but I guess I just feel like there are much larger issues at hand to be discussed... like Britney Spears custody battle, Denise Richards and the price of milk. Also, I think marriage is kind of a sham, but that's beside the point.

I guess I would just rather that you stick to what you're good at: anorexia, tanning, weird parties, reality shows laden with semi-hotties, blowjobs and dressing up like a drag queen.

Tons of gay love because your so totally gay and awesome,

PS: Nice name, tardbreath.

2008-06-14T18:35:00.003-05:00

WHAT A BITCH!

I'd like to apologize for my recent blogging deliqunecies... I've been out of commish for the last 2 weeks as I have been on Jury Duty for a murder trial in Bklyn. MAJOR DRAMZ. Thank god that shit is over. It gave me a hernia. I had to work everynight after J duty as my current employer did not pay me for it....

...needless to say, there were a few dark moments.

I promise I'll be back this week, better than ever, with more delightful posts, a Crazy Lady of the Week, a Care's Corner, and some general delights re: all things pop culture. I mean, I think we all know that I have a few Starnotes that I need to write. Actually, I might do one right now ;)

Forever yours my few but loyal and fickle readers,

2008-06-01T21:40:00.005-05:00

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

This one's a real treat. This lady threw herself at the back of someone's car to fake an accident. Mind you: homegirl is NOT injured AT ALL. Her head is wrapped in white cloth and she has funny pants on. I have NO IDEA you guys... all I know that the first 40 seconds made me laugh so hard I almost pooped myself! Watch to the end to get the real treat: The requisite CRAZY LADY RANT! Enjoy =)

Cray-Cray McGee.

2008-06-01T21:00:00.008-05:00

...IT'S CYNDI, BITCH! HOLLA...

I must have some kind of strange 6th sense... some kind of cosmic link to the pop universe. About 6 months ago I went through an insane Cyndi Lauper re-discovery period. I was looking for some inspiration for my own stuff and was going through "the vaults" when I came across the track Mizz Lauper recorded for the Goonies soundtrack entitled "Good Enough". I immediately began downloading as much of her stuff as possible and could not get over how amazing it was. 'She Bop', 'Money Changes Everything', 'Change of Heart', 'All Through the Night, 'Time After Time', 'Shine', the list goes on and on... they were and still are pop gems. She has this insane ability to be raw and pop at the same time. The production at the time was raising the bar for her peers and yet, she was still able to maintain this unique voice, it always felt sincere.

Well, Cyndi is back in a major way (!) with her newest release entitled 'BRING YA TO THE BRINK'!!! Seriously, people... I need you to understand this: I have not been this excited for an artist's return since Kylie Minogue rubbed 'Can't Get You Outta My Head' in our fickle-ass American faces. Most of you know how I feel about my Kylie ;)

I happened upon this album's recent release accidentally while fartin' around on iTunes last week, and in ONE week it has shot to #6 on the album downloads list. I am SO PROUD of our CYNDI! It really is about damn time. I say we all buy the fuck out of this album and get home girl to number 1!

Click HERE to preview tracks from 'BRING YA TO THE BRINK'! I highly recommend 'Into the Nightlife', 'Echo' and 'Grab a Hold'.

2008-05-28T10:09:00.008-05:00

CARE'S CORNER!

Hello Campers! It's your old lady friend Care, at your service and ready to assist with your quandaries and conundrums all-sorts. I must say, dears, that there is nothing like the warmer months; The rooting, rutting, sweating sun during the day... and the cool, orby, spermy moon at night. The rippling, rushing rivers gouging though gorgeous gorges. The flippant flies at the zenith sun's fiery mid-day and the frisky flippant felines of a full moon's dusk. Oh dear, listen to me! Going off like I'm bleeding Charles Buggery Bukowski. Let's get on with it then, shall we?

Today's question is from a delightful young woman from the BIG APPLE (how exciting!)

Dear Care:

I have a problem with drunk texting guys. Short of quitting booze (which is totally unrealistic) and getting rid of my phone (which is almost as unrealistic), I don't have a clue as to how to stop myself. Care, how can I curb my drunk-texting prob?

Love

"Gittles"

My Dearest "Gittles":

Well, obviously there are a few issues here that need to be addressed. I have quite a bit to say so I'm going to break it down for you:

1. You have it all wrong.

Ladies need spirits to survive. Impudent men abound! What with their strong wills and blood-filled erections poking through their slacks, they have it over a delightful woman like yourself. Spirits allow us to transcend society's expectations of us and behave like the brazen whores that men want us to be! They don't call it "Liquid Courage" for nothing my dear... so get up to that bar, ask for a double, unbutton that top button and keep shamelessly flirting with every Tom, Dick and Harry that pokes your thigh. (Note: I do recommend, though, that you visit your local church every Sunday for your requisite repentance.)

2. Close Your Phone, Don't get rid of it.

In my day, every house had two household phones at most. The phones were not portable. We didn't carry on all day long, pressing buttons and sending "texts". These modern conveniences, although rather impressive, do not always have as positive of an effect on our day-to-day lives as one might hope. I do understand, though, that the modern hedonistic lady requires such advanced amenities, so take heed of my counsel: The moment you look at the phone, after you've typed a text that says, oh... I don't know... something like "Fuk u ufukejer ihate u come eatmy peachez an stik itin", look at the text and read it twice. Say to yourself "I am a Traditional Lady"... say it again... and then again (even if you're so arse-over-tit that it comes out sounding like "Eyemall Cherdishinaleaydummm") At this moment look down at your phone and instead of hitting the SEND button, hit the delete button or better yet, just CLOSE YOUR PHONE. You see dear, you're still typing what you want to say, but the next day you wont be kicking yourself for it. The "traditional lady" part is just something I threw in there to personalize it... a little "Care's Flair" if you will. You could also just remove these dangerous numbers from your phone... just an afterthought.

3. Find an easy snog and shag his brains out.

The best way to distract yourself from drunk-texting a man, is by having another one there to fill the void of emptiness inside you that you think the aforementioned drunk-text-reciever would fill. I must say this: NO MAN WILL EVER FILL THAT VOID EVER. The ONLY THING that has EVER gotten close to filling it was a brie-smothered baguette that I had on a trip to France in the 80's, but the feeling only lasted for a couple hours. Alas, seeing that you live in Brooklyn and not Bruxelles, a nice hard sausage in the mash is what it's going to have to be. Doesn't matter what he looks like, as long as his bits and pieces are in check he'll get the job done. You'll have him passed out next to you whilst you lay awake, covered in his tartar sauce, trying to figure out what went wrong during your formative years in no time.

4. Accept the innevitable.

I'm going to be frank, dear. It sounds like you're a lost cause, so if I were you, I would just accept that I am going to drunk text the first bastard that comes up on my phone and get on with it. No point in dwelling. Who knows dear, it might be that random "letsfuk comeget me fuker" that lands you the man of your dreams! Dirty whore text now, White picket fence in 24 months. Live the life of your dreams!

5. I really should be paid more to write this bleeding column.

My salary is total and complete bollocks. Seriously, It's shit.

-----

I hope that these tips will help you with your issue my dear. If you ever need help, you know who to come to.

Your Dearest,

YCARE!Y

PS: Today's sweater(vest) is in honor of "gittles". I like to call it the summerton look-at-these vest.

Do you have a question for Care? Email yours to splutters@gmail.com with "Question for Care" as the subject. Care is here for YOU!

2008-05-26T10:00:00.005-05:00

ANNIE... DON'T STOP!

A few posts ago I shared Annie's new video for 'I Know UR Girlfriend Hates Me'... a total pop delight that is getting me seriously pumped for her new album (which is tentatively entitled 'Don't Stop'). Now after some internet exploration I've uncovered a little gem of a megamix that her camp has thrown out as a teaser for the new release.

Please enjoy said 12 minute teaser below. So excited for this album to drop!

Links:
I Know UR Girlfriend Hates Me Video
Chewing Gum Video
Heartbeat Video

2008-05-25T23:29:00.004-05:00

PETER, THIS IS THE WORST TIME YOU COULD HAVE CALLED, GO AWAY!.... mmmOK-BYE.

This is an excerpt from the documentary 'TREKKIES' which is probably one of the most enjoyable and bizarrely hysterical movies I've seen. This clip features Gabriel Köerner, a hardcore Trekkie, giving us a little history about some of the controversy his obsession had caused during his youth when he is suddenly interrupted by a phone call.

Best moment ever.

2008-05-25T18:15:00.003-05:00

THE MOST AMAZING MOVIE EVER...

... and I haven't even seen it yet. Below is the trailer for a Japanese cult classic entited 'HOUSE'. My friend Emma and I have been obsessed with this short video ever since she found it whilst spelunking the endless cavern of treasures that is YOU TUBE. Well, I have FINALLY found a copy of the film on EBAY that includes english subtitles and it should be arriving at my apt next week. Alas, since this was sort of a joint obsession with Emma, I'll be waiting to indulge in all it's campy, ridiculous goodness for my trip back to Chicago so she and I can share in the madness =). Needless to say, I can't wait to pick up some meat pies from Sultan's market, a 6-er from the deli, spark a spleef and get lost in the creepy fake-blood covered world of HOUSE!!!

2008-05-24T10:55:00.003-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Star Jones:

Please stop right now. Thank you.

Smooches,

P.S. For real. Just stop.

2008-05-22T22:38:00.001-05:00

CRAZY LADY OF THE WEEK

I decided to start a new column... Nothing wrong with a good old fashioned lunatic. Enjoy!

2008-04-26T19:55:00.002-05:00

HOT SHIT

Check ouy this hot bitch Yelle, and her video for 'Je Veux Te Voir'

I kinda can't get enough.

2008-04-26T19:08:00.004-05:00

FINALLY!

Annie is a norweigan pop starlet whom I absolutely adore. Ever since I heard 'Chewing Gum' I have been head over heels for her shamelessly poppy sound. Now she is back with 'Girlfriend', and ready for more.

Holla.

2008-04-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

FUCK THE PAIN AWAY

2008-04-24T10:06:00.003-05:00

20X200

So my friend Jessica Bruah is a very talented photographer and recently had a photograph of hers for sale on a website called 20X200. Since then I have been obsessed with the site.

Basically, the website provides a great way for artists to sell their work and for collectors all-sorts to afford new and cool art... whether that be Richie-Rich or a broke-ass bitch, living in the Bush. The catalyst of this brilliant idea was Jen Beckman's (of the Jen Beckman Gallery on the Lower East Side of Manhattan) recognition of the dire need for an accessable outlet for any art lover to become an art collector. Majorly radical.

She's taking an entirely new approach to selling art: Making every print available for a price ranging, dependant upon the size of the print, from $20 - $200, and sometimes $2000 for a wall-covering 30"X40"-sized print. There are new original works added weekly and it's a great way not only to support local visual artists, but to regularly update the look of your shabby abode. Start collecting now and impress all of your friends! Totally deck, dude.

Check it out!

http://www.20x200.com/

http://www.jessicabruah.blogspot.com/

2008-04-21T11:47:00.004-05:00

PREVIEW MADONNA'S HARD CANDY ALBUM!

Hope you get to it before Warner Music takes it down...

(REMOVED BY THE BITCHES AT WARNER)

Y'all better give me some props cuz I had to search to some random Greek entertainment website to find this shit. I'm exhasted. Entiendo...Means "I get it"

2008-04-20T17:43:00.001-05:00

GEORGE MINOGUE

2008-04-17T09:24:00.005-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Mary-Kate Olsen,

Wow. Well... apparently we have to have a little talk. I'm slightly concerned with the above photograph for various reasons.

...what was that?

You want me to break it down for you?

Of course I can, MK! We'll go head-to-toe and back again...

1) I'm almost positive that the headband you're wearing is supposed to be worn on the top of the head. I'm not saying I recommend wearing it at all, but I think it's was made to be worn on the top of the head. I recommend you take off the headband and get some nice tasteful accessories to act as a base to the acid that is Mrs. Roper's hand-me-down ruffles n' flourishes shift dress. Go here http://cursivedesign.com/ ...She'll make you a gorgeous custom piece to overthrow the tyranny dress. It's your last hope MK.

2) Relax with the eye makeup, Asparagus. It looks like you got pummelled by a donkey.

3) Oh that dress! Are you kidding me with that? I mean you put that on and looked in the mirror that day and thought: "Yes. This is what I'm wearing." I don't believe it. Pushaw... are you playing a practical joke on us MK?! You little jester, you!

4) That is an ugly and out-of-style handbag... even with a cute outfit. I just don't like it at all.

5) If you are constipated, there are many things you can do to "get things moving". They have many wonderful fiber supplement options available now. I recommend Fiber Sure, it's tasteless and you can mix it in food or drinks and get fiber in your diet without even knowing it! You can also eat a few pieces of fruit, like bananas.

6) I secretly love that dress, even though it makes you look like a little monkey that got into Aretha Franklin's "Dresses of Yore" closet.

7) Do you have feet or are some some kind of shadowy moneyed specter? Some kind of floating anorexic apparition....

Get a grip MK.

Smooches,

P.S. You went through all of the trouble of getting to a size -14, and now you're wearing over sized shifts to hide it all? What gives? If you are going to be the poster child for eating disorder chic, you need to display the goods, lady. Try this: An American Apparel Onesie, skinny jeans, bare feet and a Popsicle stick sticking out of your head... because I know how fond you are of the avant garde. Case in point, that horrendous headband.

2008-04-11T14:20:00.002-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Roisin Murphy:

Thank you for being the coolest and most hilarious pop star on the scene right now. Also… thanks for shamelessly making classic vocal dance music. You rock my world. It’s long overdue. I’m overpowered.

Chunks of juicy love,

P.S. I’m opening for you on your next tour, just so you know. Get one of your unique frocks ready for me.

2008-04-07T09:14:00.006-05:00

CARE'S CORNER!

Why, hello there campers! It's your good friend Care reporting for duty on this fine spring morn. Today was the quintessential spring morn, by and large. Slightly overcast, a bit brisk, the smell of sea salt in the air, but Mother Nature's notion of spring sprinkled about. Daffodils are spouting like yellow labia, and children's noses are running like effervescent fjords in line with the sudden increase of pollen. I just love seeing the Frangipani trees burst, and taking nice big whiffs of their fragrant and vaginal blooms. I do love a good bloom now. Oh dear, listen to me going on and on about Frangipani trees and Front-Bottoms! I sound like one of them Lesbians, don't I! Let's get on with it, shall we?

This week's question was sent in by our lovely reader, Parker from New York, NY. Parker is a homosexual man and lives in New York City... Already sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I won't judge as my memaw always told me "Don't judge a recipe by it's index card." Let's see what is pokin' Parker's perineum:

"Dear Care:

I am a 24 year old gay man living in Manhattan. The nightlife is great and I love the city, but I find that most of the men I encounter are only looking for a quick slam in the sack, and I'm always hoping for a bit more. I'm beginning to lose hope all together. Do you have any suggestions that might help me snag a good man for the long haul? Hope you can help.

Thanks,

Parker

P.S. I love your sweaters!"

My Dear Sweet Confused Parker:

Where shall I begin? I suppose that I should preface this response with this: I am a god-fearing christian woman. With that being said, here are a few tips:

1. Stop giving up the Brisket and Mash on the first date.

I know how you queers are with your sex. Sure you're gays, and that's something that I have to swallow as this is my job and I'm extremely professional, but at the end of the day, you're still MEN. Men are slick swine. They'll always take a little pork loin, whether that's what they came to the table to eat in the first place or not. Withhold the Creamed-chipped Beef, and you might be surprised at the outcome.

2. Think like a lady but do NOT act like one, sheesh.

Doris Day=Lady. Elizabeth Taylor=Heathen and Whore. Just do the math. I don't think this idea is a complicated one to wrap your noggin around, Mr. Parker. Whatever you do, don't ACT like Doris Day as the only thing men dislike more than a staid woman is a man that is so effeminate that his S's sound like cold water on a cast-iron pan and who's pinky finger remains eternally at a 45 degree angle no matter WHAT he is doing. That is not becoming mon frere, it's disgraceful. Keep yourself in check, Nancy.

3. Exaggerate your social status.

Homosexuals love anyone with a higher social status than them as they naively assume that it immediately elevates them to a higher caste. Tell him that you know the owner of the establishment you're at and that you can get him free food or drinks, then go up to the bar or kitchen and start a tab. He'll probably be three sheets to the wind by the time you leave the place, and loverboy will be none the wiser when it's time to check out. You'll leave him wondering "How does Parker do it? I need to find out."

4. Don't tell him you want anything beyond a first date until after the first date has ended.

Men are afraid of commitment as this is, by law of nature, against their primal inner-instinct's mental programming. Men are breeders, pardon me... seed-depositors. (Don't want to offend any of you nancyboy queers out there.) Their instincts are to jump from person to person spreading their earthy smells and their seeds the world over until they crap out from too many Gin Rickeys and blackjack nights at HO-Chunk. If on the first date, you're already talkin' about havin' the armies of babies and stock options (or as you gays are concerned: modular seating arrangements, can lighting placement and female Asian adoption processes) he's bound to ditch you on your next trip to the toilets. You HAVE TO KEEP THE BOYS GUESSING, my deary. Otherwise, what's the fun in it? If you're not apt to be viewed as a prize to be won, you have nothing to offer and they will leave you like a goddamn condemned crackhouse... high and dry and full of spooks.

5. Be Svelte!

Are you a little porker, Parker? Well if you are, good luck hooking another gay for the full run. Those rosebud-lickers are as size-ist as they come. The only way to hook, line and sink one of those muscle mary misogynists is to be on par with their unrealistic expectations of beauty and the male physique. I say, get your jiggly rump to your local gymnasium for some good, old fashioned calisthenics. I also recommend Jane Fonda's work out tapes. You can usually find them in the bargain bins at church resale drives and local thrift shops.

6. Keep up with the latest hollywood fashions.

Don't show up to your date lookin' like you just won 2nd place at the GD Milwaukee Milk Festival tractor pull, Parker! The gays like the fashion just as much as us womenfolk do. You've gotta think DAPPER! A nice slack, a stylish blouse with a nice pattern or color... maybe a jacket with some mother of pearl buttons would be nice. Always dress appropriately to the season as well. The only thing worse than losing a man because of your terrible personality, is losing a man because you're dressed like a whale-totin' Eskimo at Pam Bueler's Aloha Luau Coconut bash!

Parker, my good boy, I hope these tips helped you out, and I hope you can get your grip on a nice gay boy who is just like you: confused and hopeless!

Hugs and Kisses,

Care

P.S. I'm glad you like my sweaters, Parker! If you would like me to make you one, send me an email and we can make arrangements. This week's is called 'RASPBERRY FREEDOM MOCK-RIB SPLAYDAY #2'.

If you have a question for care, please send an email to splutters@gmail.com. In the subject line please type 'Question for Care'. Hugs and Kisses!

2008-04-06T14:47:00.005-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Parker Posey:

I loved you in 'Party Girl' and 'The House of Yes'. Too bad about the current state of your career.

ta for now,

P.S. That asstastic 'Jezebel James' show (on FOX) is the most miserable and disappointing piece of garbage I've seen in a while. Bad writing AND a laugh track? Come on now. Let's get with le programme, shall we?

Hollywood sets and laugh tracks = OUT
Documentary-style filming and awkward silences = IN

Of all people, I would expect you to know this, Mizz Posey. If you need some counseling, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

2008-04-04T14:19:00.006-05:00

Wikiwhat?

I stumbled upon this while researching civil war...

Thank you wikipedia. Oh... and don't ask why I was researching civil war.

2008-04-04T12:59:00.008-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Lara Flynn Boyle:

Oh dear. What in the Wildenstein did you do to your face, sweetpea? It seems like only yesterday I was watching your fresh face and freckly buns galavanting around Twin Peaks trying to figure out places to make out with Laura Palmer's secret boyfriend. That dead bitch fucked everything up for you, didn't she?!

How could you do this to me? You've become a shadow of yourself... actually more like a wax statue of yourself. You look like a blowfish. I mean.... it looks like your fucking face was attacked by killer bees. You look like a burn victim. So sad. Still loved you in Twin Peaks, though. Thanks for that.

Much lynchian love,

P.S. I have an idea that might help. Stop pumping so much collagen into your entire EXISTANCE! Stop GETTING BAD PLASTIC SURGERY TO PREVENT THE INEVITABLE! If you stop now, there is a chance that you may, one day, deflate and look semi-normal. I mean jesus, look at Sherilyn Fenn. Sure she's probably had a little nip here and a little suck there, but overall she's maintained quite well... and she doesnt look like Pricilla Presley. But of course I ALWAYS thought that Audrey Horne was the prettiest girl in Twin Peaks, so I suppose I AM a bit biased.

2008-04-03T13:18:00.005-05:00

YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST!!!

I present to you, Madonna's new video for '4 Minutes!'

Hope you got to it before Madge's camp took it down!

This shit ain't supposed to drop until tomorrow! (4/4 @ 4:44pm)

2008-03-28T21:46:00.004-05:00

MADGE'S VANITY FAIR COVER

Here's M's new Vanity Fair cover for those of you that have been living under rocks for the past week. ALMOST there Madge. Time to change the momhair, but everything else looks pretty awesome.

2008-03-28T15:45:00.002-05:00

A SAD MODERN PARABLE

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, the Americans hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion, they advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

Sadly, The End.

2008-03-21T09:33:00.004-05:00

CARE'S CORNER!

Well, Hello again campers! It's your good friend Care, ready to help out the masses with my god-like wisdom and knack for people stuff. Full speed ahead!

Our first question comes from Cynthia Lee Kabuki, from an undisclosed locale. But considering the last name, I think it's safe to assume that she is from China or Japan or one of those other countries where the small, quick people live. They are all the same to me. Cynthia L-K, the oriental reader, asks:

"Why is Mariah Carey's new album titled E=MC2? Didn't Albert Einstein already title an album that!?!?"

Well Cynthia, I think that this is a really great question. First of all, I'd like to point out that Albert Einstein was NOT a musician, but he actually led an extremely dull and uninformed life as an accountant for the Dutchess of Pooscoopville. He could not have had named an album that he never recorded, now could he!

E=MC2 doesn't mean anything. I don't know what you are talking about.

As for why Mariah named her album E=MC2... I'm not quite sure. It could be because she is a large amazonian trolling whore. It could be the fact that she is aware of people thinkin she is just as dumb as the day is long and wanted to seem smart or something like that. I personally think it is atrocious and evil. Science proves nothing. Why advocate a farse? This heathen whore needs to crawl back to shitville or where ever the hell she is from.

And she can't dance and she's fat and she's a whore a dirty dirty whore.

Lots of hugs,

CARE!

P.S. Today's sweater is called "IRISH MIST OF SPRING RAINS CAN SHINE ZIG SWEATER"

2008-03-20T10:25:00.003-05:00

MY CRYSTAL BALL TELLS ME...

... that it's going to be another fun-filled day at work. I'm pooped. I'm looking forward to Friday. Actually, I keep thinking that today is Friday. Alas, big fat sadness every time I glance at my calendar.

Since a majority of my posts have been a bit detatched, I decided to get a bit personal with y'all, have a little chat... A heart-to-heart, if you don't mind.

This weekend I'm going to Philly. This was a total crapshoot and the only reason it is happening is because my roommate can get us a luxury suite at the park hyatt in downtown Philly for free and she wants to use it up as it's her last week there. THANK GOD. That girl and her Hyatt job, let me tell you. I think this is for the best though... she'll be much happier, I presume.

Unfortunately, the thing about Philly is that I just don't care about it. I don't need to see Independence Hall or the Liberty Bell. The ONLY thing I am interested in, is getting an authentic Philly Cheesesteak into my gullet as swiftly as possible. The rest, to me, is cake and champagne in the Hotel and a possible massage.

Scratch the massage... I'm as broke as they come.

So yeah looking forward to that. Some time away from the office and seeing a new city, pretending I'm nouveau-famous when I arrive. I don't visit cities, they visit me. etc etc... should be fine.

Really can not wait to get away from the office...

The other day I was sitting here and trying to work (on my blog and networking) and I couldn't help but listen to the loud assholes that were arguing behind me. The GREAT thing about this is that 2 straight men were arguing whether Madonna or Mariah Carey is the better singer. I remember thinking in that moment "I can't wait to write about this gay shit."

Alas, I don't care enough about it to write extensively about it. Take it from me, it's for the best. Long story short: it ended with me getting really frustrated (because I am a professional and I was trying to produce quality work) and throwing my headphones on, to no avail. I proceeded to call them both crazy fools and walk to the other side of the dept.

I mean come on... comparing Mariah to Madonna is like comparing Ursula the Seawitch to Cruella DeVille. One lives under the sea and manipulates whorish Mermaids into scams so she can eat them, and the other kills puppies and wears them and smokes fancy cigarettes. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Similar in the fact that they both have extreme vices, to the dismay of their respective communities. But different in their approaches. OMG I'm exhausting myself talking about this.

I'm getting hungry, trying to decide what to eat for lunch, kind of looking forward to Pilates today... there are a few reasons for this actually:

1) It makes me feel stronger and happier.
2) I've done cardio all week and I'm staring to feel like a squid or something... like my skin is falling off of my body... need to do some core work.
3) The instructor, a very pleasant woman, sometimes makes these LOUD, GLOTTAL noises that I think are fucking HILARIOUS. She'll be talking us through a movement while she does it along with us, and when it gets to a physically challenging part, all of a sudden, her voice gets really crazy and loud and throaty and insane. It really is one of my favorite parts of the week. I love trying to hold back laughter. It's my favorite feeling in the world.

OK I'm outtie, y'all.

Oh, and BTW, don't forget to send your questions to splutters@gmail.com for Care to answer. She's kind of a spitfire and is ready to go.

2008-03-19T15:24:00.006-05:00

CARE'S CORNER!

Well, Hello Everyone! My name is Carol-Anne Sissy Plunk-Tardmeyer, but you are more than welcome to call me "Care"... because, well, that's what I DO!

As I'm sure you're all aware of, tomorrow (March 20th) is the first day of spring! Oh joyous spring! Thank the good lord, because I was gettin real tired of wedging my corn over that troublesome arch in my all-weather boots. I also don't do well with layers and the blistery, blustery, upsie, downsie, bold, cold, cuts-yer-face kinda winter weather requires plenty of those.

I am thrilled to absolute bits and pieces that I get to be a part of this fine internet medium. I am still confused about all this "blog" business. I mean, what does that mean? Topsy-turvy, spin me around I think I'm discombobbled!

Anywho, I would like all of you readers out there to take note, (and I am truly pleased to announce) that I will be the new advice columnist for SPLUTTERS! Kind of like Abigail Van Buren, but without the uncomfortably modern and heathenistic undertones. My word, she can be a bit whorish at times, don't you think? I'm no whore, but I promise to keep as even-steven with my responses as possible. The way I see it, is that if it's OK with the big J.C., it's OK with me.

So.... please send your questions for me, your very own CARE, to splutters@gmail.com. Please put "Question for Care" in the subject line. Who knows, I might choose your question and post the answer on SPLUTTERS!

I'll also be stoppin by, doling out some of my award-winning recipes and also modeling my various sweater creations! Today's is called "Care's Fabulous Chunky Spring Fling Sweater". I hope you like it!

We'll be talkin' real soon kids.

Love,

YCARE!Y

2008-03-19T08:44:00.004-05:00

CELEBRITY DISTORTION

CHOLA DAKOTA. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this little weirdo.... TOTALLY CREEPS ME OUT. The above picture is what I experience when I think of Dakota Fanning.

2008-03-19T08:02:00.006-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Dusty Springfield:

Well, I really do have so much to say to you, but most of it would have to be over a good bottle of Gin, 4 packs of cigarettes, an orgy and the family-size Pepperidge Farm Entertaining Assortment. (Not the 'chocolate' or 'orchard' variety, just the original.)

So I'll just say this: I miss you. I am a little ticked that you didn't write your autobiography before you died, but still... I miss you. Tonight I'm making a tray of yellow cupcakes with pink magnolia frosting and I'm going to eat them all, straight out of the pan, in your honor.

I just need to know if you had a diary or something because I need to read it. I don't know if you understand what kind of position I'm in... we're ALL in. The industry is a mess, Dust, and we need some insight into what made you so intense and campy and major and mysterious. We have lost that fire. Thanks for never flashing your vagina at us. Thanks for making the album 'White Heat' even though no one really ever heard it but me and, like, three other people. Thanks for never letting us into your world before you passed away... actually on second thought, THANKS for not writing that biography as it has let us hold on to the idea of you we all got to enjoy: The slightly creepy, reclusive, irresistible, drunk, druggie, pussy-lovin white woman with soul.

The world could use a little Dusty right now.

Big Soulful Lezzie Love,

PS: You look like a drag queen superhero in the above pic. Loves it.

2008-03-18T21:45:00.005-05:00

I'VE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!

Here it is... the origin of the FALL OF BRITNEY. This is when she caught crazy.

I almost can't believe it... but it's just something I have to accept. She just got too close to him and his FAME world. She was in it for a moment, but for a moment was on the same level as him as well...and it's at 3:22 when he places his cursed palm over her uterus. Her innate reaction is to push his hand away but it was just too late. He was already inside her.

(I would also like you to TRY and watch at 4:58 and not die.)

God... she looked so healthy back then, didn't she?

OK. I'm done. I need a drink.

2008-03-18T15:50:00.004-05:00

WTF?!

Apparently there is a new "Vodka for Ladies" that was just released in Russia. The vodka was designed to "be sipped with salad after a workout at the gym".

I don't know about you, but the first thing I look forward to after a hard workout, is a salad and a shot of rubbing alcohol. TOTAL REFRESHMENT!

To make the situation even more ridic, Russia is currently having a huge problem with female alcoholism. GREAT IDEA! Women's Vodka. The stuff is also said to leave you with one hell of a hangover (not to mention that the bottles make the shit look like expensive douche.)

...apparently in Russia they also have pink "lady" taxis and women's chocolate. Are you as confused as I am?

2008-03-18T07:01:00.005-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Sandy Bollocks:

Why are you famous again? Love Potion No. 9? Miss Congeniality 2? Do you have a sex tape or something? I'm so confused. This picture of you is pretty, though.

Warmth and Love:

PS.... did you really fuck Matthew McStinks-a-lot? That could be why you're not getting much work these days. Aside from the fact that his stinky pinky leaves a permanent brown stain and fart smell, he has also been a little more popular than you since the breakup. (and by popular I do mean NAKED). You should try to do something to distance yourself from who you were defined as during that period in your life, so people can have a revitalized idea of who you are in their heads. No, Sand, some weird flashback movie about your husband's killer is not going to do the trick. I think it might be time to pull the girls out... and throw in a sex scene, some crazy talk and a blonde bob wig. That'll get 'em talkin'.

2008-03-18T06:56:00.003-05:00

CELEBRITY DISTORTION

SUMO JACK. It works for him.

2008-03-17T08:55:00.005-05:00

MADGE and her VADGE

Here is the alleged cover of Madonna's new album 'HARD CANDY' that has been cirulating amidst the blogosphere. I, of course, have to make a few comments...

1. Nice Vagina, Madonna.

2. The background looks oddly fleshlike, even though I think it is just wrinkled up posters with pictures of candy on them, sloppily glued onto some drywall. Still... it makes me uncomfortable. An aged Madge being vaccumed into an abyss of raw pink flesh. It's like the 90's all over again. (Shoots self)

3. We get it. You can kick our asses. Candy. Sweet, addictive... just like Madonna (Circa 1985). Give me something new, PLEASE! (I'm begging you.)

4. I'm not sure if that Arial Rounded MT BOLD font (w/drop shadow) is working. Looks a little slipshod and scotch-taped together to me. Not in the cool way, either. It looks like the end result cover page of a project I would have done in 4th grade. I can see it now...

"I called my hero project Hard Candy because I like Madonna and I like Candy and since I like them both, I wanted to put Candy in the title because I like them both, but I only eat candy. I don't eat Madonna because you can't eat Madonna because she is not Candy. She's a person. Some people eat other people. My Aunt Norma told me about them. She said that they are called Cannibals. My Aunt Norma told me that Madonna is a cannibal."

5. If she closed her cow legs and showed us maybe just a little heel (something maybe just a LITTLE femenine) she would look pretty awesome. I guess I just feel like I've seen this madonna before. It's like 'CONFESSIONS' Madonna, with a WWF belt on ecstacy.

6. All that being said, and aside from the fact that the new single '4 Minutes' is pretty much the dumbest crap I have ever heard, I am looking forward to hearing what the eff she brings to the table with this one. I hope we don't have another 'BEDTIME STORIES' on our hands...

2008-03-17T08:05:00.002-05:00

STARNOTES!

Dear Patti Stanger of Bravo's 'THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER':

One of your boobs is flat and sort of square-ish and the other one is round. I Just thought I should let you know.

Much Love,

Oh and PS: You have the biggest head I have ever seen in my entire life. If you pull your hair back, it will make your neck look longer, and thusly your head more proportionate with the rest of your body. It will also make you look more like a woman and less like an NFL quarterback with a bad wig on.

Philanthropy is so exhausting.

2008-03-17T00:00:00.007-05:00

WELCOME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED SPLUTTERS!

I figured what better way to ring in going live (I don't know why I keep referring to it as "going live", I suppose there is something about it that makes the whole thing seem more important and official...) than to keep up my yearly tradition of my TOP OF THE POPS collection. So let's get to it.

MICHAEL FAKESCH (DOS-Album)

Basically like a really super cooler-than-you version of Justin Timberlake. Just check out the unfortunately short and low-quality video for his song "SODA" below. Michael, dude, I'll make you a video. This crap is insane. Listen to his song "COMPLICATED" You can find a sample at>

http://www.last.fm/music/Michael+Fakesch/_/Complicated

It's what made me fall in love with his music. Awesome dude.

-----

ANNIE (untitled upcoming album)

I have been a huge fan of Annie's since her 2005 debut album, for which she received much praise. She has the breathy voice of a nymph and enough pop-sensibility to make that work over the electro-heavy and incidental-filled accompaniment. In 2007, Annie was picked up by Island records and is currently working on her first major label release. Check out the video for "CHEWING GUM" below, or listen to a snippet of her new single "I KNOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND HATES ME", currently streaming on her myspace page>

http://www.myspace.com/anniemusic

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GLASS CANDY (B/E/A/T/B/O/X- album)

About 4 months ago I really got back into Italo disco (something I had been quite obsessed with back in '06) and I started scouring the internet, trying to find some of the old, classic, drippy, drugged out disco glam pop of the days of yore. It seems that I picked a great time to spelunk for said pop bliss, as I uncovered a whole slew of neo-italo disco artists recapturing the feeling of the old Italo Disco tracks, but incorporating fresh production and taking advantage of modern technology. I supposed it was only a matter of time that I stumble upon Portland based band Glass Candy. Between the lead singer's lazy swooning and coke-nosed vibrato, and the producers penchant for finely aged beats and dynamic filters, it's hard NOT to be transported to a boosted out Milan circa 1975 when devouring these tracks. Glass Candy does not have a video worth posting yet so give "ROLLING DOWN THE HILLS" and "BEATIFIC" a try by following the link below. Hot Shit.

http://www.last.fm/music/Glass+Candy/_/Rolling+Down+The+Hills

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ROBYN (Self-Titled US Debut Album)

Robyn was on this list last year. She's back. There is a reason she is back... and it's because she is amazing. Period. This woman is SUCH a pioneer in the industry right now. She is one of the ONLY acts that is self-penned/produced that has had the level of success that she had. She spent the whole of 2007 catering to her European/UK fans, and is now poised to take the US by storm, one fickle listener at a time. I listen to Robyn and I feel like she is to Britney Spears, what Michael Fakesch is to Justin Timberlake. She did a show in NYC recently, which apparently was Mind-bogglingly amazing, and she is re-releasing her last album, all cleaned up, polished and ready for the US. We welcome you with open arms, Robyn. See the video for "WITH EVERY HEARTBEAT" (which was #1 on the UK charts for, like, months) below, or try the KNIFE produced track "WHO'S THAT GIRL".

-----

ROISIN MURPHY ('Overpowered' Album)

Roisin is no stranger to the dance-pop scene. As the former front woman of Moloko, Roisin had the opportunity to get her sea legs primed for a solo career. Although Moloko did produce some pretty memorable tracks (Bring it Back, Time Is Now, etc) it was inevitable that Ms. Murphy take it to the next level with a solo project. She did just that with 2005's Matthew Herbert-produced RUBY BLUE. Now she's back and bringing us away from the lounges and into the nightclubs with her new album OVERPOWERED. Check out the video below for the title track.

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CALVIN HARRIS ('I Created Disco' Album)

What a cocky son of a bitch. Still, I can't get enough. This shit is like drugs to me. It's so simplistic and a total rip off of like 85 people. I really don't give a fuck. He is just fun. I feel like the industry needs a big fat shot of fun right now. Check out his video for "ACCEPTABLE IN THE 80's" below.

Calvin Harris - Acceptable In The 80's
Uploaded by seidrik

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PRIVATE ('My Secret Lover' Album)

Private is a relatively new band, producing some pretty amazing shit. Think Michael Jackson meets an atari game. It's fucking catchy and kind of hilarious. I will be the first to admit that the lead singer, constantly crooning to women in his songs, is pretty obviously a big mary. I don't really get that whole thing, but the music is cool enough that i don't really care which one of his personal issues he is singing to. It's workin' for me... the lasers, the minimalism, the gayness... all of it. Check out the vid for 'MY SECRET LOVER' below.

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KYLIE (Album - 'X' + B-sides)

Kylie is a fave of mine simply because she always brings a sense of total frivolity to the pop world. Her new album 'X' is shamelessly trendy, total trash, and in moments, nauseatingly bubble gum.... I really just can't get enough. As I am a true fan of hers, I am always on the lookout for new stuff, and to be totally honest, I've found that there are a few B-Sides that didn't make it to the album, that i happen to like more than some of the tracks that did get on it. I'm pretty sure it's time to fire your manager, Terry Blamey, Kylie. Isn't he like 120 years old now? Yeah... probably not equipped with the tempered trend barometer one needs to make a tracklist for the princess of pop's "comeback" album. Regardless of these factors, this album is a current fave. I'm pretty sure that this will get NO airplay in the US, and I am finally getting to a place where I've accepted the fact that Kylie will probably never be HUGE in stateside, like she is the rest of the world over (thanks SJ) but that doesn't mean that I still can't indulge in the yummy goodness that is she, as often as I like. That's the gorgeous thing about the US of fuckin A.... it's a free country. Check out her brand new video for "IN MY ARMS" below.

-----
KELLEY POLAR ('I Need You to Hold On While the Sky Is Falling' Album)

Super duper art shit. Love it. It's like accessible weird electronic music imported from the 70's or something. I don't even know. Just watch and listen. Sample the video for "CHRYSANTHEMUM" below. Also listen to his song "SEA OF SINE WAVES" off of his album which can be sampled here> http://www.juno.co.uk/products/303207-01.htm.

Loves it.

LEZZ DO DIS. REMIX. SPLUTTERS. 2008. JIGGA.

2008-03-14T14:03:00.006-05:00

Hello all you sons of bitches.

I am currently at work whilst I type up this new entry (shhhhh, don't tell my boss)... I am thrilled to bits to be starting up my blog again. It's about damn time! It's been months since my last entry and after some dramz, a few thousand Philly cheesesteaks, a 500 pound weight gain and a total and complete halt of personal investment in society (aka Britney Spears), I'm ready to start it up again.

I'm typing this to you now as a primer of sorts... I'm planning on not only cleaning up the content, but also on giving the ole port bow a little scrub-a-dub; a little face lift and reworking of the look as well. My format is going to change, but I think that it is going to provide smoother usage for the reader and will allow me to make more frequent updates as i see fit so i will not have to cram everything into one daily entry. Better for linking, better for loading, better for searching, all around better bloginess.

I would also very much like input from any readers out there... topics that you'd like me to bitch about, sluts you'd like me to make fun of, movies you'd like me to rip to shreds, etc. I'm really doing this to provide some entertainment for the reader, and because I am just generally bored with things and need to break that down how I do... you know. How I DO. So why not get reader input? Shit. So if you assholes have any ideas, email a bitch at splutters@gmail.com.

By the way, this is also a great way for me to get my crazies out of my headzies. Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch. It is like therapy for me and people seem to find my disappointment in and regular abuse of humanity rather amusing.

It's a win win, really.

So let's do dis shit, folks. My blog'll be hitting y'all with a tummy tuck and a fresh shot of the botox, starting this Monday. See you then, suckaz!!

Simple times call for simple measures...

2007-08-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Michael Jackson... I Mean... Britney Spears:

LOOK... I'm not fucking around anymore. Get it together, ok? I've spent WAY too much of my energy trying to defend your retarded ass, saying things like "This is all a publicity stunt, she's smarter than she looks" and "The only thing people like more than seeing a bitch fall off a pedestal, is seeing her subesquent rise back to the top. If Mooriah Scarey can do it, than Britters deffers can too." et al. I can't do this for you anymore... ESPECIALLY when there are hos like Kylie Minogue who are far more interesting to watch than you have ever been, but aren't noticed by the fickle US audience as saleable. I do my homework. I need my fix. I am pop passionate. Madonna is 85 years old and I'm in a terrible position, Britney... a position that's prescence has invoked an emotional cyst to develop on my virginal, idealistic, american popstardom-infused heart. I'm extremely exhausted at the idea of spending $25 more dollars on a Kylie import CD from Virgin Megastore, Ms. Spears. I'm sick of toiling over the idea of spending $1k to fly to the UK to see Sophie Ellis-Bextor in concert just to experience a pretty lady in a daring outfit with a well-formed image, tweeting to simple (non-r&b infused) pop beats and dodging the professional dancers that are placed and moving around her just so to illuminate the unexpected muse that is she. I'm sick of working so hard to fulfill my hearty and wanton desire for bubbly-electronic chunky pop music, while you waste your time popping out piglets, picking up drug habits and gaining 45 lbs. If you're going to gain weight, do it with some class! It's called BRIE and CROISSANTS hun. I mean, CHEETOS? REALLY?

Now I realize that this all may be coming across a bit harsh. I need you to understand that most of my animosity sits in the fact that I am frusterated. I know your potential. Let's see if I can explain it to you so someone like you might understand... It's like you asked me to leave the bar with you, only to find out that when we got back to your place you'd only let me put the tip in for 5 seconds. Get it now? Good. On to the intervention.

Since I realize I am basically tearing you to bits, I thought it would only be fair of me to provide some tools for you to use during the controversial scaling of the aforementioned pedestal:

1. Don't read US Weekly, Life & Style, OK!, People, Enquiror, Star, etc. Don't watch E!News, Extra, ET, The Soup, The View, Good Morning Live. Don't listen to ANY radio station that has ANY sort of association with Ryan Seacrest.

2. GET A PERSONAL STYLIST. (If you do this you can skip #3 and #4.)

3. Remove all of these articles from your head: Blonde Extentions, Brunette Extentions, Black Extentions, Wigs, Bandannas, Scarves, Scrunchies, Barrettes, Ken Paves Clip-On Hair pieces

4. Do not wear: Ed Hardy Clothing, Trucker hats, Bandoleros, Shirts that show your still-unformed belly, sheers, Flip-flops like they are street shoes, cowboy boots, babydoll dresses, cowboy boots WITH babydoll dresses, Ugly Sunglasses

5. Get some pictures taken with your children sans an assistant and pepsi-filled bottles.

6. Go to the gym 5 days a week. Eat healthy. JUST DO IT.

7. Don't date anyone for now. You need to identify with yourself and become your own person again. Trying to fill a void in yourself with someone else's love is not going to work. You need to be in control right now.

8. Write personal letters of apology to all of the various photographer's/interviewer's sets you've abandoned without notice.

9. Become close with at least 3 fashion designers, 3 artistic portraiteurs and 2 other high-status performing artists. Believe me... this will be easy. They ALL want to be the one that "saved britney's career."

10. Be a bitch to the people you need to and ask for what you want, but finish everything you start. Do what you say you will, follow through with your commitments. You're allowed to be a bitch and still well-loved in this industry, but you must be somewhat professional and follow though.

11. Stop partying for a little while. It's distracting.

12. Go to a derm, and also get regular facials... and go get a flippin mani/pedi already, JESUS.

13. Don't let me down you dirty dirty white-trash hooker.

I miss you. Smooches.

-Gregory

P.S. A little something to inspire you.

Go-lightly

2007-06-18T09:24:00.000-05:00

I sure have been at the office a lot lately. I'm pretty thrilled about the fact that I have no choice but to take off all weekend... They are shutting down the power in my office building for some routine maintenance crap. What will I DO with myself? I'm pretty flippin thrilled, to be honest.

Maybe I'll bake a cake!

Maybe I'll blog some more. Maybe I'll work on my music... Maybe I'll do pilates and draw. Maybe I'll sit on my rumpster and pick my butt.

I'll definiely be watching this documentary on Jackie Curtis that I just got from Netflix.

"Jackie Curtis is not a drag queen. Jackie is an artist. A pioneer without a frontier." -- Andy Warhol

I'm intrigued. Can't wait. I also have to clean my room. As it pretty much looks like this:

This is good. A couple days away from the office is a good thing.

a toxic and often sexual cheese danish

2007-02-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

I am pretty much flabergasted.

I am pretty much dumbfounded... like.... I founded dumb. I am the President and CEO of DUMB co.

I am at my job right now and there isnt much to be done because the program that we normally work on BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am sitting in my 'workspace' (I've begun referring to my cubical as my 'workspace' as it makes me feel more accomplished and less like a number)daydreaming... thinking up a stratagem for my current life situation. I like to do this. Create little schemes that may or may not play out. I love a good "what if"... it will always take me to a special place. (Usually to my couch, with a bowl of cereal.)

-What if the universe that we live in (and believe is endless) is actually encapsulated inside the hollowed out crust of a GIGANTIC planet that is part of an infinite universe where the sky is red instead of black?

-What if I die the only person knowing the formula for eternal life?

-What if Britney DOES make an amazing comeback and is stronger and hotter than ever?

-What if the HIV test I just took comes back positive?

-What if my life is just one big experiment, and we are all actually lab rats being manipulated to do things to eachother?

-What if I am actually crazy, but too good at pretending that I'm not for anyone to notice?

-What if the Bears WON the Super Bowl?

-What if my rich aunt is planning on leaving me a huge inheritance because she remembers the one time I came to her house unannounced and surprised her attempting to make some sort of legitimate connection and failing miserably? (FAT CHANCE)

-What if noone is reading this blog and I am just doing it because I need someplace for all of my crazy to go?

-What if I am actually AFRAID of the unfamiliarity of happiness like all the self-help books tell me I am?

It's 3:12pm. It's a toosdee (tuesday) and I'm just choppin at the bit, wanting to get out of here, go home, workout, work on my music and hit the muthafuckin hay so I can do it ALL OVER AGAIN TOMORROW. I think I might be a little fried. This is the 9th day in a row that I have worked. I've been pulling a lot of over time (or OT as we like to call it here at the office) and I feel like maybe it's time I take a day off this weekend. Sunday? What will I do with an entire day to myself! Oh Joyous Occasion! I do need to get some window treatments for my bedroom.

Let's talk about my neighborhood for a second, guys. Well, I suppose refering to the reader(s) as "guys" might be a little presumptuous. (i.e. that more than 3 people are going to read this, all of them male) So let's just talk about it, much-loved and appreciated reader.

I live in Brooklyn. People ask where and honestly, I couldnt tell them. Some call it East Williamsburg (mostly the brokers) and the locals call it West Bushwick because they are scared of gentrification and also because the younger ones just want to seem cool and tough and scary. I like to call it West Bushwick only because I like the fact that when you get out of the Subway at my stop, spray painted (looking very much like a BEWARE OF DOG sign) along a brick building reads the words "Welcome to WEST BUSHWICK". For those of you that dont know Brooklyn:

-WILLIAMSBURG is where all the faggot art kids live. It's where all the models and hipsters and cool cats live. It's being called one of the fashion capitals of the world right now. It's basically a lot of vegan cafes, Marc Jacobs head-to-toe, spirulina shots and birkin bags. It is why Urban Outfitters is so popular. It is what the east village was 12 years ago or whatever. Basically, it's really annoying unless you are the Misshapes and have a trust fund... then it is a fucking blast. That might be what makes it oddly appealing.

-BUSHWICK is where my Auntie Maria lives. It's tortillas and rattling tin fences. Bushwick is where they still have dog fights and play dominoes on the sidewalk sitting on buckets. Everything is questionable: the produce, the deli on the corner with the smoked windows, the 'OPEN' sign in the window of the physicians office and the sanity of anyone you pass on the street. Bushwick is families and cooking at home and staying warm, no matter how ridiculous you look.

Long story short, In Bushwick you can buy a live chicken and cook it on a spit in your yard, where as in Williamsburg you can buy 'Tofurky' and cook it on your hibachi in your 'raw' loft space. It's all very relative once you're there.

So this is my neighborhood... I'm on the border. I'm basically at the point where people got confused and so they just put the boar's head distribution headquarters there and called it a day. Sometimes the industrial overtones are refreshing and subtly post-modern and make me feel super cool and ahead of the game... sometimes it just feels desolate and cold and completely detatched from NYC proper... Either way, it's what I call home.

Welcome to Bushburg.

He's no Madonna

2007-02-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I am a wannabe popstar. I thrive on juicy beats, unexpected yet accessable chords, killer basslines and innovative visuals to pull it all together. I like PURE pop too... little flecks of different styles are important, but there is something about a really well-written and accessable pop-song that is so fun and indulgent.

So this morning, I decided that in honor of the new year (which apparently, I just can't let go of) and all things POP, I would like to put the spotlight on a few acts that I think are redefining the worldwide pop scene.

May I introduce to you (in no specific order):

Gregory's TOP OF THE POPS for 2007!

1. The Knife

What can I say about The Knife? They have a pop-sensibility like no other. They are the only band last year to successfully utilize steel drum in an electro pop song and make it sound fluid. Amazing and totally original. I can't get enough of these fucking swede sons of bitches. Try "Pass this on" or "Heartbeats".

www.theknife.net

2. Sophie Ellis-Bextor

Think Kylie with a british accent, a penchant for posh, and a hankering for ballgowns. Sophie is the queen of UK fancy pop. Her most recent single is an interesting mix of electronic and classic pop; a slight departure from her usual soft-sided pop. She is coming into her own, and I couldnt be more thrilled. Check out the video for her new single 'Catch You' above, or check out her other singles 'Mixed Up World' and 'Murder on the Dancefloor'.

www.sophieellisbextor.net

3. Margaret Berger

Margaret is the best thing to come out of Scandinavia since the flight attendant from SAS that I had a one night stand with back in '04. She is unbridled pop lusciousness. And yeah, she may have stolen a little from Goldfrapp... and she might have also been inspired by Kylie's recent severe looks (Can't get you outta my head)... but she has a tone and mood all her own. Give her a shot. Try "Samantha".

www.margaretberger.no

4. Pet Shop Boys

Tried and true: the pet shop boys are here for you. They always manage to create mood-altering music. Their atmospheric and electronically complex melodies and beats and half-assed vocals make for their easy and accessable, yet slightly dark, sound. There is something magic that happens during the mixing process that blends it all into a shocking and soothing mix of pop bliss. Hot peppers in brownies. It seems so wrong, but spicy chocolate is OH SO GOOD ;) Watch the video for 'Minimal' above, or check out 'Samurai in Autumn' or 'I'm with Stupid'.

www.petshopboys.co.uk

5. Björk

Björk needs no introduction. She is the queen B of abnormality, the challenger of all things sacred in popular music. She wants you to listen with all 248907 of your ears because she's got something very important to say and if you miss out... well... you're rubbish. She is at the forefront of pop music, a total pioneer and an original artist. People are doing now, what she was doing in 1997. She is currently working on an album with an unlikely sampling of producers, namely Timbaland, who's recent collaborations with Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake have made him more popular than ever before. Unlikely combo, indeed. Check the vid for 'Triumph of a Heart' Off her last release Medulla, which was composed entirely of noises made by humans; OR give her back catalogue a check and try 'Human Behaviour' or 'Pagan Poetry'.

www.bjork.com

6. Robyn

Poor Robyn. The girl has had it rough. She has a severe look and is a little rusty on the perfomance front, But she is a fucking trooper, and despite the fact that she cant get a break stateside (Do y'all remember the song 'Show Me Love'? Yes... this is the same, now self penned and produced Robyn), she is building a huge audience in the UK and Sweden. She is also willing to put her prettiness aside to make serious point, which I REALLY respect, especially in the industry today. Beside all of that shit, bitch's music is some of the hottest shit I have heard in a while. She is self-sufficient and multi-talented and definitely deserves a listen. Check out 'Be Mine' and 'Konichiwa Bitches'.

www.robyn.com

7. Kylie

Kylie is BACK and she has BIG plans and a new attitude. Having recently won a battle with breast cancer, and lost BIG TIME in love (She recently discovered that her boyfriend Olivier Martinez was a big whore while she was holed up in a cancer clinic), Kylie is ready to react... This bitch is fueled up and ready to blow!

Where as Madonna is the queen of pop, Kylie is the Princess. Although Madge may have more piston power, Princess Kylie is a little less INSANE and also a little more feminine, which is refreshing put up against Madonna's bossy and recently extremely predictable behaviour. She'll never have the public voice that Madonna does, nor the ability to find the coolest work in the industry and steal it and make it her own, but she DOES have a keen sense of electronic pop and showmanship, a great ass, a great look, and a cuteness that Madonna could NEVER acheive, no matter how hard she tried. She is not a formidable character, and that is exactly what is so refreshing about the princess of all things pop. The video above is live from her recent homecoming concert in AU. She is performing a song written by The Scissor Sistors entitled "White Diamond" Check it out. Want more? Give 'Slow' or 'Chocolate' a try... sure to titilate even the tightest of cunts.

www.kylie.com

8. Juvelen (The Juvelen EP)

Juevelen is currently restoring my faith in Male Pop music culture. This guy is a one man show (not unlike myself) and is making heads turn with his off-kilter romantic sounds. His sounds evoke a feeling of longing, playful romance... but also carry undertones of shiny red vinyl car seats, chocolate sauce, 8-bit graphics and finger-fucking. It's hard to explain. You just have to listen. The video above is a live performance of his song 'Hanna'. My fave, though, is available on the klicktrak site, linked below. The song is titled 'Summer - Spring'. (BTW, you literally have to click the trackbar to keep it going, it stops every 30 seconds.)

www.klicktrack.com/shop/release.jsp?r=18699&tn=2
juvelenjuvelen.com

9. The Legends (Facts and Figures)

The legends are, in my humble opinion, the Y-me generation's answer to the cure.

They have a very similar sensibility and tone, yet they still manage to get across a cute whine that the pet shop boys have never really cared enough to emote.

Where the The Lightning Seeds are heart, the Legends are soul. They have clear influences from many bands, but one thing holds true, these guys have the right idea. Try 'Darling' and 'Disco Sucks'. This is another Klicktrack artist.

http://www.klicktrack.com/shop/release.jsp?r=14695&tn=8
http://www.labrador.se/artists/legends.php3
http://www.myspace.com/heknowsthesun

10. Goldfrapp

Goldfrapp=Pure Sexy Glittery Whitewashed Pop Brilliance. This duo from UK is at the forefront of the electropop scene right now. They have influenced almost every mainstream european pop act since thr relase of their 2001 album 'Black Cherry'. Since then they have toured and released a new album 'Supernature' a little less arcadia than the previous release, a little smoother and also a little more otherworldly. Also check out We are Glitter, Goldfrapp's remix album. They are currently touring worldwide, making people everywhere cum in their pants. Try 'Ooh La La' or 'Ride a White Horse'.

www.goldfrapp.com

So there you have it folks. My favesies for the big '07. Take em or leave em, I see bright futures for these people. I hope that I, at least, enlightened some of you to a few new faves of your own!

Ciao for now suckaz!

Snaps.

2007-02-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

I am planning on posting more today, but I wanted to share this video with you. This is my good friend, roommate and co-conspirator Kara Buller. She recently did stand up at Caronline's on Broadway and rocked the fucking house. Here is an excerpt from her show.

One Day...

2007-02-01T16:59:00.000-05:00

One Day I'm Going To:

-Be famous and get out of a limo wearing a skirt with no underwear and flash the paparazzi a la lindsey lohan/britney spears/paris hilton. Let's see if they print THAT!

What will YOU do one day? Fly to the moon? Come out of the closet?

Leave a comment below and tell me! Next week I'll post my favorites!

Smooches ;)
-G

2007-01-31T21:51:00.000-05:00

2007..... Ahoy!

2007-01-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. I feel sort of bad about it. It's a new year. Let's see if I can get it right this time.

I had all of these grand ideas to write a celebriliscious entry today. I was going to do a little feature on our favorite trainwreck, Ms. Britney Spears. We'll save that for the next post. Today, It's all about ME!

ME ME ME!

NYC is great. It's great to be back and settled. I am currently working for a large corporation. It's fine.

I'm makin the benjis, feelin good. Makin connections with music. It's going really well. Blah blah blah.

But come on folks, we all know that this is not what I am here to talk about. I'm here to degrade my atmosphere. So let's get to it!

I was on the subway, riding home from work today, and looking rather handsome if I do say so myself.

And I do.

So I got on the train and got a seat which normally I wouldn't be so super-jazzed about, but I think I might have some sort of bone spur in my foot (most likely caused by the super stylish, yet wretchedly unsupportive shoes I have been whoring out for the past 3 months) so sitting down was quite a treat. I took a look around and realized...

I Y riding the subway in NYC!

It is FULL of freaks, such as:

1) The Crackhead.

This is a person with two teeth and 5 strands of hair (that's pretty much all they have) who insists on telling everyone the story about the day they scratched a winning lottery ticket and the cashier stole it from them, resulting in their current life situation.

This lovable mess would happily spend their last 6 dollars on a Jamba Juice since, as we all know, it is the most vitamin packed substance on the planet... next to crack, of course. Oh, by the way, Mr./Ms. Crackhead also owns stock in Jamba Juice and they will tell you all about that next time you get on the Bronx Bound 5 train at dinner time. Maybe you can get in on it.

The crackhead is usually swathed in repugnant synthetics and/or extremely over-used designer clothing from the 90s. The sweatshirt (DKNY or a large white tee if Male, BEBE if Female) has lots of unidentifiable brown and white sploches on it. The pants (GIRBAUD men's jeans for both the Males and Females) are usually the main culprits in contributing to the terrible scents that follow The Crackhead around. Their nails stretch three inches off of the tips of their dry fingers which are fiercely bound around the handles, one each of Bloomingdale's, Prada and Conway shopping bags.

2) The Nell Carter.

Now obviously this isn't THE Nell Carter we all know and love. Just an archetype... Nell provides herself nicely as a point of reference. A "point" of giant proportions. (You probably think I am referring to her weight. You should be ashamed of yourselves! You are Cruel, Sad individuals.) Although ol' Nelly could probably easily beat star jones at a baby-eating contest, I am actually referring to the only thing larger than her waistline: her MOUTH. The Nell Carter is the GIANT WOMAN on the train who just can't seem to speak loudly enough. Apparently her disillusionment with Eddie Murphy's recent flubs with the trannies and Spice Girl impregnation is SO IMPORTANT that she thinks you need to hear about it all, LOUD AND CLEAR.

It's such a shame... she used to think he was such a charming man. What nice teeth. And he was such a funny guy in those Nutty Professor films. Much better than that white man in the original movie.

3) The Vincent Gallo.

Since I live near Williamsburg, the trendoid capital of the universe, I was bound to run into a few of these pompus sons-of-cocksuckers. Typically fairly unsatisfactory-looking, the Vincent Gallo swabs the 8pm Canarsie bound L train with a fine coat of over-compensation that has 3 very specific effects:

-attracts girls who are too pretty for The Vincent Gallo
-angers/annoys Puerto Ricans and African Americans
-confuses gay hipster boys

Vincent feeds off of said effects as they prove to Vincent how provocative Vincent is. This is the mainstay of this psuedo-rebel. Well... this and his predictable wardrobe. Vinny-boy is usually wearing an important hat, a scarf-cum-ascot (most likely from urban outfitters), a stylish jacket, skinny black jeans, and the kicker, the ironic shoes.
These shoes are the key to the Vincent Gallo's powers. They are the accesibility... the way in. They are the soft spot in his heart for the boy in himself. He's always liked Vans and Chukkas, so when he found this hybrid, he went and grabbed a pair. They smell like swiss cheese.

4) The I'mSoPretty.

You ALL know this bitch. It's the girl who gets on the train with a Birkin bag and her Oliver Peoples sunglasses on and expects everyone to look at her.. and when they don't we all get treated with a big fat SIGH, COCK HIP, CHANGE HANDS ON POLE, BLOW AIR OUT OF BOTTOM LIP UP TOWARD HAIR, WATCH CHECK, PIVOT, CELL CHECK, PIVOT, QUIET "ouch!" UNDER BREATH, PICK AT NAILS, SIGH. (This repeats until the stop before The I'mSoPretty exits the Train... this is when she walks over to the door that she is planning on making her grand exit out of to use the reflection in the window to check her face. Timing is important, though, as she can only see herself whilst in the tunnels or what she refers to as "when it's black.")

The I'mSoPretty scoffs at anyone who touches her unless that person is an older white woman (jews dont count unless they are hella upper-east side rich), or a man who's penis she is interested in putting inside of her uptight vagina.

---

... Next post: More Subway Archetypes for your consumption!! =)

Start Spreadin' tha News...

2006-10-06T13:01:00.001-05:00

I made it. I am in New York. I am so happy to be here.

I have been plugging away like a son of a bitch, trying to get things going for myself out here. I'll keep everyone posted when things start really picking up.

So my old boss read my blog and I am pretty sure he had a good laugh and maybe sharded in his undies a little. I am removing the contents so that he is not figuratively ass-raped by anyone who reads it. And so that he doesnt ass-rape me.

I think it's more about him not ass-raping me actually.

I loved that man. He really knew how to have a good fuckin time, you know? Where have you gone Bill? Why aren't you here giving me hundred dollar bills to put my legs behind my head?

Never met a person as unaffected as you. RESPECT BILL. Respect. Keep it real.

Now give me a 50 and a gift certificate to Nickel Spa for Men. I hear Olga gives a really good deep tissue.

I have to go drink my important latte and take control of the universe now.

PEACE.

monday, august fourteenth, two-thousandcrap

2006-08-14T19:01:00.002-05:00

(THIS POST HAS BEEN MODIFIED DUE TO LEGAL BULLSHIT)

These things keep going through my head. I keep thinking about what I have to get done. I am stuck in a frightening and cyclical perspective. It's a fuckin' trap. I want to pick up the clothes that are laying in a heap on the floor in my closet, package them up, and drop them in the green beacon of hope that is the Gaia Movement box standing proudly across the street from my English Basement Apartment in Wicker Park. Outside of my (self-dubbed) uncanny empathic abilities in immediate conversations, I am not really much of a humanitarian on a day-to-day basis. My anxiety does not stem from the idea that people might go without clothing on their back if I do not reach out to them soon. I am, quite frankly, more interested in creating the perfect environment for myself at all times. It's a sickness, really. I am obsessed with this idea of utility-chic. Clean lines with rough under-bellies. I like the wood in the floor of my closet as I feel as though its coloring, mixed with my shoe collection and the green window pane, sort of collaborate to create a very Scandinavian feel. Not in the Norwegian, super-mod, heated bamboo floors kind of way, but more along the lines of an old Finnish cottage-cum-music studio or an Icelandic fish skin cobbler's humble shanty.

I think I just want my life to be filled with cleanliness and order… and if it can't be, then I want the most beautiful messes around. The mess du jour, as it were.

I really just want these fucking ugly old clothes out of my life. Would someone please come and pick them up for me?

Thanks.
Oh... and bring me a bagel with lox and capers when you come.

It is 4:06. I am sitting at my desk, in my cubicle, on the 18th floor of the building on the corner of Mies Van Der Rohe Way and Chicago Avenue that houses the bane of my existence. My job at the *******************.

Hello, my name is Gregory Ramos. I am the ************** for the Council on Access, Prevention and Interprofessional Relations at the *********************.

Interprofessional? That's not even a word, people. They just made it up! They took two words and just decided that they were one. They get to do that, large corporations and organizations. They get to play with the English language to make themselves look "cool" to their clients and affiliates. Such mavericks! Pure BRILLIANCE! Maybe tomorrow I will talk about the office venacular... laughable.

I am waiting for someone to bring me some green tea, as all they have stocked in our kitchen is Lipton Original. Who the fuck do you people think I am?

JESUS.

I should really be ********************************************. This shit should have been done eons ago. Why should I have to ***********************? I didn't make this mess. I would never let it get this bad…

…unless it was this bad to begin with.

Where is my goddamned tea? It was supposed to be here an hour ago. These sons of bitches, I swear to god…

At my old job, things were very "fancy". We had a very nice kitchen (that did not double as the copy room, thank you very much) with beautiful plates, and stainless steel appliances, exposed brick and beams. We received fresh fruit once a week, there were always flowers, and more often than not, fresh breads, crackers, camembert, and an open bottle of Chateauneuf Du Pape. My boss would take me ON EMOTIONAL JOURNEYS THROUGH THE GALAXY. I LEARNED A GREAT DEAL FROM THIS CHAMPION OF JUSTICE. I was the token mixed-breed fag with a sharp tongue, a penchant for fine cheeses and making people feel glamorous (and young) and was also someone to keep his boosted out, ex-swinger interior designer in check. (His name was Gregor. He was not from Transylvania.) My second week on the job, my Boss asked me if I would rather suck his INFORMATION-SOAKED BRAIN and LOVE-SOAKED HEART, or the BRAIN/HEART of one of his cohorts. I, of course, chose his associate just to spite him. He loved it. He loved me. I was fabulous. It was a fuckin' dream. Too bad I totally took it for granted. Too bad he had no idea how to NOT BE A GENIOUS.

...and now here I sit... In boringland... Incessantly staring at the tacky fabric cruelly lining the interior of my cubicle. It has a swirl pattern on it. The same swirl that adorned sectional couches in suburban rec rooms circa 1994. It makes me want to die. It makes me want to travel back in time and slice the calf of the creator of said fabric, with a shiv of an old rough-necked 40. I want to see the blood. Only then, will I feel solace.

It's 4:49 now, and after some serious shirking of the work, a couple of dodges of my supervisor, a couple of bathroom trips, and a trip to the water cooler, the end is nigh.

We're gonna make it after all.

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

2006-05-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

Hola chiquititas and Esses. Como estan?

So, went to Berlin last night, and had lots of fun with Cassie and DORK. Good times. Tonight is my friend Jessica's Birthday, looking forward to seeing her. Dinner with Emma too!

On with la Post:

First and foremost, a note to Stavros from the bottom of my heart.

Dear Stavros,

I see your aching heart in your eyes. Your sexy, rich eyes. I think that Paris is a fool for letting you go. Do you want to make out with me?

smooches. -G

But seriously folks, isnt he just super cute? Apparently Stavros had a crying fit in front of some nightclub about it all. Sad. On the OTHER hand, Paris and Stavros may not have broken up for the reasons they give in the media. It looks like the Greek billionaire has become the latest victim of the horror that has been tearing through Hollywood - Lindsay Lohan's vagina. Good Ole Stavz was seen with La Lohan "sipping cocktails and dirty dancing" at the L.A. club, Element. Three days later, Niarchos was seen leaving Lohan's room at the Chateau Marmont.

Hell if I were La Lohan's Vaj, I would go for the kill to.

Three Cheers to Lindsay Lohan's loose virginia!

---

Madonna has a tight-ass back.

I am a young man, and I wish I had her back. I fuckin hate that bitch.

Here are a couple more pics from her W mag shoot:

She's really pretty amazing. I mean, I know this shit is airbrushed, but still... she looks phenominal.

---

I don't care what anyone says, I like skinny Nicole.

I'm not saying that she is a picture of health, or sending out a good message, but I like to look at her chicken legs in all of those designer frock she dives into. she's like twiggy. I also think she is funny and doesn't give a fuck, which i also like. She just wants to have some fun.

---

So here is a pic of Xtina Aguilera out and about of her on the set of her new video.

People are trashing her to bits, but I think she looks hot, albeit slightly like a blow up doll. Like a blonde betty page. I also like the fact that she is doing something TOTALLY different than the rest of the stupid hollywood whores right now. I'm interested to hear her new stuff. I've always thought that xtina was the most unfortunately misguided talent. She has some killer pipes.

---

I've never liked Eva Longoria.

I just think she is sort of a dumb bitch.

---

Now what happened to Keshia Knight Pulliam?

KKP Played Rudy Huxtable on one of my all time fave shows "The Cosby Show". She was flippin cute, and then she started to grow a mustache, so they brought in Raven Simone to be the cute one.

WHAT'S SHE UP TO NOW?

She grew up MUCH hotter than Fatass Raven, did a porn, and was just in the movie Barbershop with Queen Latifah. She went to college or something too. No babies or husbands yet. Maybe she still wants to make a couple more pornos. I say go for the gold, KK! Cash in on that pseudo-fame!
---

And lastly I leave you with Tom Cruise performing a mating dance native to his home planet zornox Z2b3

Fucking creepy dude.

I'm off. Ta for now.

-G-

hmm...

2006-05-04T13:22:00.000-05:00

No BritBrit press conference yet... but I am anxiously awaiting.

What could it be?

-Is she converting to scientology?
-Is she retiring?
-Is she actually a man?

I can't take the waiting any longer.

I must talk about something else.

---

PIZAZZ!

I saw this vid awhile ago, rediscovered it today, and now I am sharing it with you. Funny shit.

So, speaking of pizazz, last night was full of it. Emma came with me to moonshine for Lucas's Mamby party. 1/2 price pizza and a pitcher of margaritas. Good times had by all. Hipolito and Elana spun last night. Tons of fun.

---

Found a new picture of Miss Jackson, and I must say: Bitch looks GREAT!

Nice job jan. Now all you have to do is come out with some music that makes up for the last two atrocious albums you released. I believe in her, though. She is like Madonna, she's going to keep trying until she gets a hit. Apparently her long-time producers (Jimmy-Jam and Terry Lewis) said that her new album (Which is entitled "20 years old") is similar to her 'CONTROL' album, and that there are a lot of 80's style throwbacks. Intersting... I think the 80's thing is a smart move. Her first single "Call On Me" is hitting radiowaves on June 19th.

---

Elijah Wood is currently filming some retardo movie, and, I can't believe I am saying this, but I think he looks hot in this picture.
But It's elijah Wood. And that is gross. Sexiugly. Good for him for de-fagging though. He needed to shake off the frodo/bilbo thing.

---

I beg you to please watch this video all the way through. PLEASE... and with the SOUND UP. Don't die.

STOP (wave of the hands) (jogjogjog... plop) OUH OUH OUH OUH OUH

I know it's wrong to laugh when people get hurt, but this is HILARIOUS shit. Especially the News Anchors at the end... "I think that she's ACTUALLY HURT there... uhhhh."

REALLY? DO YOU? I Wasn't sure, you goddamned fool.

---

Oh Whitney... What have you done?

and where the fuck are your eyebrows?

---

Whatever Happened to PUNKY BREWSTER?

Punky was played by Soliel Moon Frye. She was a mischevious little girl who was often too smart for her own good. She was known for her freckly pigtails and unconventional Family Sitch. I think that most people really liked the show because she had killer outfits.

WHERE IS SHE NOW? Soliel was on the show ""Sabrina the Teenage Witch" with fellow child-star Melissa Joan Hart of Clarissa Explains it All fame. She grew some boobies and got extentions. She likes to fuck directors and wear shirts that show her cleave. I personally think that she sort of looks like a less fug Alanis Morrisette.

---

WOW. Well, I think that this is supposed to be sexy. I think it is just funny as all hell. If you are offended by the idea of a group of completely nekked men shaking their dicks in your face, I highly recommend that you Not watch this video. And totally NSFW.

I think that the funniest parts are the music, the smoke machine, the haircuts, the abundance of flapping penises, the backdrop, the dancer with the mullet and the red hairband. It's all fucking funny.

I've gotta go work out bitches. Love yaz.

peace
-G-

Cheeky Monkeys and Railway Trains

2006-05-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

The above title holds absolutely no bearing on the actual content of this post, f yer i. I just thought that it had a certain panache. I mean, come on, MONKEYS and TRAINS?!?! How much more fun could it get?

On with today's post.

Foist of all, Tonight I am going to be @ Mamby @ Moonshine to drop off my music and chill and listen to awesome DJ's spin day shizz.

Fun times. Come hang out if you feel up to it.

So in other Local News:

Jennifer Boringston plopped down a whopping 10 mil for a posh pad in suburban chicago. GOD.. she's so boring I'm not even going to post a picture of her mousey ass.

---

I have a new favorite model, and her name is CAROLINE TRENTINI. She is a new face on the scene and I think she has a promising future. She is like 11 feet tall, stems like microphone stands, and an honest face. Her style of modeling is so refreshing.

She is fucking silly and hilarious and I love her.

---

Some token cute Brazil boy buts to get you in the mood for summer fun and sex!

And if you are a straight man, I've posted some serious wanking material below:

Oh shut up, you know you wanna taste that Star Jones flava.

---

In other non-celeb news, Japanese researchers invent a completely transparent material. You can go to this website to read more about it. I think it's pretty interesting and the possibilities are endless!

http://www.engadget.com/2006/05/02/japanese-reseachers-invent-completely-transparent-material/

---

Oh by the way, Liza says hi!

God, I LOVE Liza Minelli. She is a goddamned gem. She is a barrel of laughs and has been through some shit. Liza teaches us all to take everything in stride.

---

OMG, don't die! I think this picture of Nikki Hilton is HILARIOUS!

It's like she is spelunking for precious metals.

---

FAT CELEBS FOR FUN!

Jennifer Hate Spewit

Cristina Aguilera

---

Apparently Lindsay Lohan fucked Paris's ex, Stavros Nicharos or what ever the fuck his name is, last night. Starving Nichoise. Hey, I thought he was hot, I wouldnt pass that shit up either.

---

Tom, honey, listen to me carefully... here's what we're gonna do. We are going to go to your canadian compound (because you and I know you have one) and you are going to call your homeland planet Zorbitron and tell them that you have collected all of the info on the human race that you can and that you are ready to be picked up. Then we'll fly to NYC real quick and you will buy me dinner at Nobu, and a Toyota Prius. Then you will give me your sunglasses as they make you look like you are 75 years old, and would look SMASHING on me what with my exotic good-looks and new fabulous wardrobe (that you, of course, will provide) Then we'll fly back to your compound, where your ride will be waiting and you will walk onto your mothership and wave good bye to me as the hatch closes.

Here is a hilarious picture of Debbie Gibson @ the AIDS walk in Ft. Lauderdale. Ummmmm, Debbie hun, you're awfully supportive.

Maybe you could at least stand up?

---

For those Strangers With Candy fans out there, I Present to you BROKEBACK FLATPOINT.

---

Time for another...

What could have ever happened to YAHOO SERIOUS? (I am laughing so hard as I type this)

If you recall, Yahoo had a moment in the spotlight with his movie Young Einstein. He was one of Australia's hottest imports since Crocodile Dundee. He has ridiculous hair and a knack for ... well.... not much. He has a six-pack, an australian accent and I'm pretty sure that was the novelty. I'm really glad it's no longer the early 90's.

WHERE IS HE NOW? Well, he tried to make more movies, but they sucked total ass. He got some honorary degree in Australia where he resides. Not much news. Nothing Shocking.

---

Anna Nicole is close to getting all of that old geezers $exibucks.

And you know what? I think that she SHOULD get it. She paid her dues. She slept with that bag-o-bones, and now she should get a big ole bag-o-moolah.

I must go to the market now, dears. My cupboards are bloody bald.

ta for now.

-G-

Brit Brit has something to tell you...

2006-05-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

... but you won't find out until her press conference on Thursday.

What a bitch! She sure knows how to get the peeps excited. I'm pretty sure that she will either be anouncing that:

a) She is totally preggers again.
b) She is releasing a new album. (It is slated for November, followed by a world tour)
c) She is leaving K-Fug.

I would prefer B and C, but I guess we'll just have to wait and find out.

Nothing really struck my fancy in the goss world today, so... no dice.

I don't have a juicy post for today, but I promise that I will tomorrow.

A juice bar, eevun.

And since I didnt post any other pics today, I am posting a random album cover that I find humorous.

W

O

W

Nice Back, Ma'am.

'till tomorrow

-G-

Back For More

2006-04-26T10:40:00.000-05:00

Yessssuh...

It's me again....

And I'm back.... woo!

For some reason pics are not postin today, so this will have to be a text-only entry. A more personal (raw) entry.

Sort of booooring if you ask me. To make this entry more exciting I have one request for the reader: Please read this entire entry alound in your absolute best british accent. I will use as many common slang words as I can to make it that much more user-friendly.

Aren't I a cheeky monkey?

So things are getting more and more interesting in my life, big changes happening. As things get a little harder, so do I. (As in my skin, you perve) Might not be such a bad thing, actually. I could stand a little skin-toughening. Right time I stop living me life arse about face. I'm thinking it time for a bespoke holiday. Something sunny with lots of blokes, baccy and the means to get totally bloody bladdered.

I finally bought a buggery bleeding microphone for my homestudio. This is big news, as I no longer have to depend on outside studio time to record.

My friend Jon has a Showcase at Berlin in Chicago on Saturday night and everyone should go! I promise that it will be a new experience for you. He may possibly be throwing on a couple of my tracks as well. Quite exciting!

(Keep up that accent now)

I am currently in the beautiful suburb of Palatine, staying with my blokes Jeffrey and Adam. Last night was delightful, we made a delightful dinner, had a chin wag, burned it down, got totally bloody blitzed and watched the telly. I was fairly cheesed off about some personal crap, and they talked me down. Good friends.

I really need to stop fannying around and get my chunked-arse to the gym. Actually I have lost 4 lbs, which is good, but I don't think it has necessarily been a healthy weight loss. Ah well! Who am I to complain about which side of bread was buttered before it was handed to me. All I know is that the scale read "4 lbs lighter"

Alrighty, I'm back to putting the pieces of my life together since someone recently threw a spanner in the works. I'll be back with another post once I work out the blooming kinks.

TA, dars.

A Few More Tidbits...

2006-04-20T17:03:00.000-05:00

I miss Mary-Kate olsen. Here she is paying a parking meter last week. I mean, I know she is an Olsen twin... but DONT JUDGE. She's just a person like you or me. The only difference is that she is a celebrity... and that she can make a parking meter look fat.

GOD look at those shoes though. $exi $hit.

##############################

For those lost fans out there who care, I thought this was an interesting tidbit...

Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder are FUCKING! I'd pay 4 dollars to see that... if it came with an orange crush and one of those red plastic baskets of pretzels.

***************************************

Another Picture of Kylie Minogue looking stunning and the picture of health in Paris.

I'm glad she is doing well, I love her cheap euro-trash music!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE YET HILARIOUS THING I HAVE SEEN ONLINE TODAY:

continue down to read today's orginal post. I hope you like it!

BAD BLOGGIN'

2006-04-20T10:13:00.000-05:00

I've been a busy bee the last few days, I apologize for not getting a blog up. But I promise that today's post will make up for lost time.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger.

OK! So, First off some pics from Karaoke with friends a few nights ago. Our friend Susan was in town, and it was nice to have her back in chi-town for a couple days. Susan AND her fabulous shoes. Unfortch there are no pictures of Susan at this time, but there are pictures of BIGGAYME and delightful Sarah.

Here is one of me singing HIGHER LOVE by Steve Winwood. Goodtimes a la Jerri Blank.

Here is one of Sarah and I who, I must say, were particularly silly that night. Please take note of Sarah's hair in this picture. It's like she was riding a roller coaster. Perhaps the roller coaster of life? You decide.

The night was tons of fun and I can't wait to do it again.

------------------------------------

This is my favorite Commercial ever, starring none other than Matt LeBlanc.

IN OTHER NEWS:

TomKitten's space pod has finally landed on earth, after it's launch from Planet Xornox (Zeebian Sector) a few light years ago. I'll say, this has been quite the wiild ride, watching this scientologic wonder unfold. I certainly hope that Katie Holmes is preparred for the dirty road that lies ahead. Those paparazzi are going to be on her like lesbians on the ticketmaster line the morning the lilith fair tix go on sale.

Before it was confirmed that Katie Holmes was pregnant (and before she started strapping a balance ball under her mumus) the media always pointed out that Tom placed his hand on Katie's tummy to imply her pregnancy. In the picture above we see Katie holding Tom's stomach. It seems, that tom is now carrying as well. CONGRATS TOM!

No more manic jumping attacks on daytime TV anymore, we don't want to harm the baby.

-----------------------------------

So I have a google personalized homepage, it is very convenient and you can do a lot with it, but right now, it is proving to be quite the distraction. They have this DaVinci Code game that is updated everyday, and you play alaong and solve these creepy puzzles and you have to, like, do sleuth work on the internet to find info, etc... it's kind of cool. I feel like a detective.

Nancy Drew, Eeevun.

BTW, Don't fuck with AC Slater People.

He's Got the Headlock DOWN.

------------------------------------

In the picture below I feel that Brittany Murphy looks like a Jessica Simpson, Fergie Hybrid. Quite Creepy.

------------------------------------

The DIVORCE between EDDIE MURPHY and his pretty wife has been finalized. He's a big dickwad... I'm glad she got away from him. Rumor has it he has been cheating on her with a trannie.

The sad thing is that I wasn't joking about the trannie thing.

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Ummmm....... Avril, Buddy, What's goin on here?

She looks like one of the girls on America's Next Top Model after the "You have one minute to pick out a top model outfit from this rack of crappy clothes and take an amazing picture" challenge.

Speaking of America's Next Top Model (Quite possibly the best show on television right now) Let's give a hand to the self-proclaimed first supermodel, Janice Dickinson.

Modest Janice.

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Hey People... NEW SECTION: Whatever happened to?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MAYIM BIALIK?

Mayim Bialik, best known for her role on the TV show Blossom, was born on 12th December, 1975 in San Diego, California.
Bialik got her first acting break when she was a young girl in the movie, Beaches (1988), where she played the young version of Bette Midler's character. She was the only girl with as unfortunate of looks as Bette Midler they could find to play the role.

Mayim is a Jewgoil and is a Jewish Studies major. Mayim has been taking a break from her stressful acting career to concentrate on her studying.

She graduated from UCLA June 2000, and will begin studies towards her Ph.D. in neuroscience this fall at UCLA.
She is currently in a relationship with a fellow student who she has been with for several years. She also Popped out a baby boy. Slut.

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Lastly I would like to post a Goldfrapp vid because I think she is the shit and I think this video is hilarious and cool as hell... and I know James likes it cuz of the doggies :)

Stupid Cold

2006-04-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

So I was supposed to go out tonight to hang out with some friends but I have a dumb cold. I am trying to be responsible by not going out and getting hammered when I am feeling yucky.

Quite boring.

But, on the bright side, everyone is coming to my place for brunch tomorrow, so that will be fun!

Dannii does it again...

2006-04-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

OK, So I have been doing a little sleuth work on Pop Princess Dannii Minogue, and I found her Brand Spankin' New Video on YouTube. Here's the thing about Dannii: She is like a lollypop, or a bag of liquorice all-sorts... She is all sugar. I must say, I found this video to be refreshing, eurotrash, and 100% fun. Her fans have been oh-so-anxiously awaiting her video and new album and this is the first track "So Under Pressure". I hope you guys like it. It's 80's Nouveau, flashytrash, sex in a blowpop!

GEVALT GESHREEYEH!

2006-04-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

(Note: This post was supposed to go up last night at around 11pm but the internet was not running well enough for me to do it, alas... here is the post that would have been.)

JESUS ON A MATZOH!

This strange phenomenon occured two evenings ago at the Arnold residence in South Bend, IN. Emma Arnold, a jewish princess, opened up the first bag of Matzohs to be consumed on this first evening of Passover. As she pulled the Shmura Matzoh from the bag she noticed something: The downturned face of Jesus burned onto the Matzoh!

Truly a miracle. The 8th wonder of the goddamned world. Take a look:

This majestic beacon of hope can be yours for display (or consumption), Emma is selling this sign o' the times on Ebay. Act fast! The Bids are pilling up!

Here is the link to the Mystical Matzoh on Ebay:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7406985034

Happy Passover. Shalom.

Oops... She did it again

2006-04-12T16:49:00.000-05:00

In light of the "Britney drops baby Sean on his head" crap that has been circulating today, I am posting this HILARIOUS picture that my friend Amy Trejo doctored up. The baby is updside down, and Britney looks a little crosseyed too. lol! Nice job, Ames.

Amy is one of the friends that I get to see tonight at Veronica's gathering at Moonshine. If you're in the neighborhood, you should stop by. Lucas throws a great party, y'all don't want to miss out on this!

MAMBY @ Moonshine ::::1824 West Division St. in Chicago::::

Sunny Days

2006-04-12T15:51:00.000-05:00

I must say, It's quite nice to have warm weather and a bit of sun again. The Winter chill was really getting to me.

I am feeling a little sick today, which sucks because I havea busy week ahead. What can you do?

I found this great picture of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale on People.com today. She is like, the HOTTEST pregnant bitch I have ever seen. And Gavin Rossdale is sexy too. I'd sit on both of their laps.

I have had goldfrapp stuck in my head all damn day. I love that $EXI BITCH.

Speaking of sexi bitches, Elizabeth Berkely is coming out with a new movie this summer that you won't want to miss:

Ummmmm.....

..yeah, ok... uh.. Nice Jacket, Sierra >>

...

It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan with a redhead again. I have liked her other colors, but I think she looks so flippin cute as a redhead.

Now I know Paris Hilton is a goddamned dumbass... but she looks pretty hot (albeit, quite slutty) in this pic above.

$$$ MONEY MONEY $$$

2006-04-12T01:10:00.000-05:00

This is a late night post, I am mostly obliterated, but I thought it was really important that I post this video.

It might be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Watch it with the sound up. And pay close attention to the girl on the right... I think she is INSANE AND FUCKING HILARIOUS. (And I actually see the beginning flecks of a lesbian in there too) Her voice and laugh are a flippin riot. I want to get wasted with her and have an eat off at a Korean BBQ.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

I have to go to bed now, as my body is giving out beneath me. Tomorrow morning I am going to check into Columbia College's Music Business program. I'm excited about that.

Have a good night dudes and dude-ettes. See yaz on the flipside.

"SIMMER DOWN!"

2006-04-11T22:57:00.000-05:00

I think the lady is hilarious. The rest is fine, it's really just the lady, though.

I am going to my pal Veronica's gathering at Moonshine tomorrow night. Sounds like fun! I'm going to see some friends of mine that I havent seen in a while.

Now look, I know there are a lot of MOSS/LOHAN haters out there, but you have to admit... They look hot together. It somehow works for those blowwhores.

And Kate HAS NOT AGED... it's almost creepy.

I wonder what Lindsey Lohan will look like when she is 65. I was about to say the same thing about Kate Moss but then it occured to me... don't be silly Gregory, Kate Moss wont live to be that old. If the drugs don't kill her, I'm sure one of Naomi Campbell's wayward diamond-encrusted flying mobile phones will.

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah

2006-04-11T19:49:00.000-05:00

Elegant Paris Hilton...

2006-04-11T18:31:00.000-05:00

...stepping in vomit.

The sun is shining, I'm in a better mood...

2006-04-11T15:02:00.000-05:00

.... and I found some funny pics and juicy gossip online. So LET'S GET TO IT!

Simon Rex was found in the dark corner of a club in NYC with his dick out, getting ready to take a piss. He was probably trying to pick up a man-trick. I LOVE Simon rex... he's like a real life DIRK DIGGLER. He was in gay porn, AND he fucked Paris Hilton.

SIMON gets an A for EFFORT.

...

In other news, Miss Jackson is looking pretty FUCKING GREAT.

I found this picture on Dlisted (a really great site with a HILARIOUS webmaster) documenting her recent weight loss.

Nice Janet... hurry up now, we need you on the scene since britney obviously isn't going to be making any sexy music vids any time soon...

I love how everyone is saying she is the new Madonna... she could have been if she didn't go all WT on our asses. More like Madonna's retarded sister that she doesn't talk about.

...

just fascinating. What do YOU want him to do with the gun? What happens next? Post a comment and tell me.

...

And Last, but certainly not least is this hilarious picture of Carrie "Jesus Take the Wheel" Underpoo, and GIANTESS JUDD @ the CMT Music Awards.

It's like the beginnings of a really bad porn.... Carrie looks like a goddamned deer in headlights, cuz she knows BIG MOMMA JUDD IS GONNA STICK IT TO HER REAL GOOD.

$tupid $tupid $tupid

2006-04-11T14:27:00.000-05:00

So, this morning pretty much cemented the fact that I don't like money very much.

I would be so happy if it just didn't exist. It complicates things.

I had a good day yesterday, things are coming along quite nicely in the studio.

Too lazy to write anything else. Maybe later.

Stude Dude

2006-04-10T10:18:00.000-05:00

So Trent, the guy that is helping me with mastering my album, usually wakes up around 1:30pm. Since he is getting into this music stuff, he is staying up later. (He, like myself, becomes obsessed with a project and wont stop until he is outta gas). Well... This morning I was pleasantly surprised that he called me @ 9:30am. Rare.... rare indeed. Today is supposed to be 70 degrees and sunny, so I called him back and we decided that we would get lunch, hang out in wicker park for a few hours and then hit the studio.

The makings of a great day.

In other news, Dakota Fanning reaches new heights of creepiness, just by BEING HERSELF.

And I am also still not over having fun with the whole Whitney Houston is a big Lezbo Crack Addict Scandal

Oh whitney, put down the crack pipe. The pussy is fine, just no crack honey, n'kay?

I mean, COME ON.. lookatdabitch.